Day Fifteen: "A Heart For Service"

By Melissa Rich

“God's people are called the humble themselves and take the place of humble service in The Kingdom. We are called to serve others, not ask to be served by others…We are called to let God love others through us. Jesus was the perfect example of what a humble servant leader looks like.” Jess P.

“Now that I, Your Lord & Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them." -John 13:14-17(NIV)

How much more should we exemplify this in our marriage? I am going to speak to women because I am a woman. Much of this can apply to men as well but this one is primarily for women…again.

PURE HEART

I have focused a lot on the “heart” lately in my posts. Actually, I have focused on heart and attitude more than anything else on Be Worth Finding for the past year. Why? Because everything we do is coming from the heart. Whatever position we take on any situation is going to come from our understanding; it is going to come from what flows out of our heart.

Maintaining a pure heart is not something that comes easily. It means that we learn how to rise above so many things because we understand that those things can stop that which we are in pursuit of. We learn that the goal is more important to us than the emotion we feel right now. We understand that our emotion and even our opinions are subject to a higher truth, God…thus we must subject ourselves to that truth.

APPOINTED HEAD

Wherever we are in life, we are assigned a role and/or a position. With this, we have responsibilities and limitations. In each role we have someone to whom we answer to but beyond any person, we answer to God.

Well, with the man appointed by God as the head of the home, it is critical that we as women learn how to blend in with his flow. I am not saying that this man will never make adjustments for you or that he shouldn’t ever accommodate you; please do not take it there. What I am saying is that only ONE has been given the title of “HEAD OF HOME”. In most cases two heads are better than one but when it comes down to it; one will need to make the final decision. It is to our benefit to learn his patterns so that we can blend in and become a support to him.

LEARNING AND BLENDING

For this reason, one of the most important things we can do is to “learn him”. Study his patterns and habits. Think about ways to accommodate him. This is the loving way to approach your man. It isn’t about becoming a door mat. The man God intends for you has no intention of you becoming a doormat. What I am speaking of is “assuming a pure-hearted man comes for you” and he is whole-heartedly pursuing the vision God has given him. You will sometimes, maybe often, want to pull him in another direction because of “your needs” but I am challenging you to consider well before pulling him off his God appointed task. Learn how to accommodate that man for the sake of the calling on his life. It is so hard to write this because unless you understand your value, this will seem like self-abuse. When you understand your value, and God has healed your brokenness from past relationships, it is not difficult to see yourself in a supportive role, making sacrifices without feeling used or abused.

SERVANT ATTITUDE

Wherever I have gone in life, I have sought to serve the leader; whoever they were, I sought to align myself with the visionary and both support and help with the mission. I did it out of a sense of honor and because I believed so strongly in doing whatever was placed in my hand with all my heart. I knew that God appointed that leader and I was to honor the position given by “God”. Part of serving that leader was to learn their rhythm and flow with them rather than to; 1. Try to force them in another direction or 2. Insist on going in another direction myself which leads to rebellion.

I am a firm believer that you either go along with the captain of the ship or you find another ship to travel with. Once you make the decision to join that ship, you have a commitment of honor to not only “follow” but to “support”. This is how it is when you choose to live your life according to God’s principles. He places you and you “serve”. We are all called to serve.

ROLE OF A SERVANT

This, of course, comes from my completely servant minded mentality as it relates to marriage. I believe that God has given the man a natural leadership tendency. No matter how much leadership is in me, it is secondary to him. I know that it is just as valuable and just as necessary but it is still secondary. And this mindset does not cause me to feel diminished at all. To me it is an honor when God appoints me to serve someone.

Whatever role God places us in, it is always one of service and it is an honor to serve God in any capacity He chooses for our lives. It may take a long time but God really will prepare us and teach us how to be a “helpmeet” and not an independent looking for validation in life. Although I have a million ideas and aspirations, I have felt as though God has been preparing me for this man and I have always believed that my greatest position will be as his “helpmeet”.

When we understand the importance of the role give to us by God, we seek to fulfill that role with all our heart as unto the Lord, not man. We have a responsibility to God so we focus our attention on fulfilling the role He has given us. Just the same, that man has a responsibility before God and we leave him in the hands of God. As hard as it is, we cannot use him as our measuring tool for what we are willing to give. That mentality will mess up a marriage. Give freely because God has given freely to you.

BE A BLESSING- INTENTIONALLY

With this I will end this article. It has taken a very long time for my heart to change in such a way that I understand the difference between a ‘bitter response” and a “pure response”. When God heals the heart, it frees us to open up and give without always measuring our return. It isn’t about your lack of importance at all, it is about “learning your man” and blending in with his rhythm so that you can flow “with him”. “He” NEEDS to be able to lead and it would be so much better for your home if you could allow him that role and position and if we as women could anticipate some of his needs and make it our heart and intention to be a blessing to him.

In conclusion, ponder this and really go outside yourself for a minute and consider; there is no harm in preparing your heart now for what is soon to come…if God were to come down and personally explain to you how important it was for Him to make Eve for Adam and why her presence in his life was so critical for HIS success and GOD’S purposes to be established, how would you see your role as a wife? How would you look at things differently?

No matter what your demands are, when you decide to marry, your primary and first concern is to please God and to be a blessing to your husband and not only a blessing but a support and help in all things. Again, with a Godly man who is pursuing God’s purposes, you have a bigger picture to work with and a bigger reason to support him in every way possible. And all that you do is as unto the Lord and for His glory. When God blesses you with a husband, remember, you have been blessed to be a blessing; so do not hold back. Bless that man with all you have to give and do it as a service and extension of your love for the God who so graciously gave you that husband.

As always, we encourage you to…

1. Post your comments below or join the page & discussion at: https://www.facebook.com/BeWorthFinding

2. Email questions to: beworthfinding@gmail.com

or anonymously on Formspring: http://www.formspring.me/beworthfinding

3. Re-tweet, repost or send this to your friends!

We are building a community and are dedicated to helping as many people as we can to have happier, healthier and more fruitful relationships!!!

We hope to hear from you!

Read More

Day Fourteen: "Eliminating the Blame Game"

By Melissa Rich

Dear Lord, I want to bring Joe before you tonight. Lord YOU know how difficult he can be and how stubborn. Lord YOU KNOW how hard he is to deal with and how many times I have extended myself towards him. YOU KNOW how often I have tried to talk to him and yet he continues to ignore my needs. Deal with him Lord. Change his heart and make him more like You. Cause him to see what I am saying and make him change his ways Lord. I just can’t take it anymore. If You don’t do something, I just don’t know what I will do. Amen.

I am hoping that you are still reading and that something felt a bit “off” as you read through that prayer. Did anyone notice that the entire prayer was centered around how “good” SHE is and how “bad” HE is? Did anyone notice how freely she invited God to change “him” but never considered that maybe “she” is the one who needs to change? Did anyone notice how unloving her prayer was? How self-centered? She wasn’t praying for “his” well-being but for her own satisfaction. There is a very big difference between an effective and an ineffective prayer. There is a verse that says whatsoever you ask in “MY” name… meaning, “in accordance with Him”. Not just using His name to call it forth. If it isn’t His heart and His mind, it isn’t in “His” name.

Let’s talk about the BLAME GAME. The object of this game is to avoid all responsibility no matter what. Never admit that you are wrong. Never consider what you could improve. Never evaluate yourself for what may need adjustments. Always point the finger at the other person. Always focus on everything they are doing wrong rather than anything they are doing right. Always stand your ground no matter what because in all things, YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. This is a very good way to destroy any relationship, if that relationship ever had a chance of getting off the ground in the first place. An argument arises and the conversation goes something like this,

BLAMER: Well if YOU would stop _____ and YOU would start ______, maybe then _____. “Blanks” because there are a million scenarios like this. If only YOU would, then everything would be different. That is the obvious message. Meanwhile, the one saying “if only YOU would…” is clearly focused only on the “other” person. Their entire position is one of blame. Everything that happens to them is because of that “other” person and the funny thing about the “blamer” is that eventually, even what they choose to do becomes the fault of the “other” person. The “blamer” never takes personal responsibility and everything that happens to them, around them or as a result of their own choices is someone “else's” responsibility. This person is clearly unaware of the power they possess to change their own life.

It is a mindset that some fall in to and if we want to be honest, it is a “self-righteous” mindset. They insist that there is nothing “they” can do to help the situation because they have clearly done nothing wrong. While this may appease the person for a moment while they are justifying everything in their head, they will find that until they identify that “they” are the common denominator in all their drama, they will continue to have troubled relationships that never satisfy. There is something that happens when we focus all our attention on the other…we miss the opportunity to grow.

Why are we writing this series? Because we believe there are some very basic things that people struggle with in relationships that have solutions. By informing others, we hope to help you to have more fruitful and emotionally healthy relationships. Blaming is potentially toxic to any relationship but it has a solution.

People who blame often forget to ask themselves a simple question, “What part do I play in this? Is anything I did either creating or exacerbating this situation?” That simple, humble question could save a lot of people a lot of trouble in their relationships.

Now if you change your mind and decide, I don’t want to play the “blame game” anymore, it isn’t working for me, the solution is this, “begin to take personal responsibility for everything you say and do as well as the outcomes.” Stop making everything that is wrong in your life everyone else’s fault. Stop using others as an excuse for your wrong or bad choices. What “he” did to you 5 years ago is NOT the reason you are still acting this way. “You” have “chosen” to continue in this pattern for your life. Now, it’s all YOU baby!

Here are some of the ways a person who is taking personal responsibility will act:

--A person who is taking personal responsibility takes responsibility for their choices, actions and reactions. They do not make excuses, for that which they did that was inappropriate or down right wrong. They are humble enough to correct themselves and maybe even apologize when necessary.

--A person who is taking personal responsibility for themselves and all their actions would ask, “is there anything I could have done differently that would have caused the situation to turn out better?” Instead of continually dwelling on what the other person could have done better, this person is pondering their own room for improvement. As they do this, they find it easier to extend grace because they realize how much grace they have needed to get to where they are now.

--A person who takes personal responsibility is more interested in the integrity of their own personal growth than they are about seeing to it that someone else is doing everything a certain way. They spend their time asking God to help them to change and improve “themselves” so they can be more of an asset in the relationship. They understand that the only one they have the power to change is themselves.

--Most of all, a person who is taking personal responsibility does not feel that terrible continual sense of being out of control. They do not feel compelled to try and control everything around them. They focus their energies on being the best individual they can be because they know that is what “they” have to bring to the table. That is what “they” can offer to the relationship.

So now, you get to decide. Think about your relationships. How many situations do you find yourself in where you are pointing the finger continually outward instead of turning your gaze inward for introspection? Without a doubt, blaming others will leave you miserable because it gives all your power away. Taking personal responsibility will both empower and mature you because it is you placing a demand on the best that you have to offer. At the end of the day, you will be able to give an account for yourself and close that chapter because you had the power to both choose and correct that which you were unhappy with all the while, leaving that other person in the hands of the same God who has been helping you to change and improve your ways. It’s not always easy, but this is a far better way than the other.

As always, we encourage you to…

1. Post your comments below or join the page & discussion at: https://www.facebook.com/BeWorthFinding

2. Email questions to: beworthfinding@gmail.com

or anonymously on Formspring: http://www.formspring.me/beworthfinding

3. Re-tweet, repost or send this to your friends!

We are building a community and are dedicated to helping as many people as we can to have happier, healthier and more fruitful relationships!!!

We hope to hear from you!

Read More

Day One: “Distinctly Different Yet Distinctly Valuable”

Our first topic for "31 Days to Healthier Relationships" is perhaps the most basic and common sensical… men and women are distinctly different!  However, we all know what they say about common sense; it isn't necessarily common practice. 

Thaddeus Eastland (Mark’s pastor) of HOPE Church -Pearland, likes to remind people that one of the biggest mistakes we make is when women try to treat men like hairier women or men expect women to act like better smelling men.  Well, he doesn't exactly say it like that, but you get the point!  We are very different and need to stop expecting one another to; react the way “we” would, care about the things “we” care about, communicate the way “we” communicate, etc.

In the book “Love & Respect”, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says; women have “pink” glasses and “men” have blue glasses, woman have “pink” hearing aids and men have “blue” hearing aids and both see and hear “everything” through their own perspective based on their individual gender, not just a “role” but the way they actually interpret information.  

Our differences show up in very obvious ways, especially when it comes to how we make decisions.  It is no secret that women tend to be more emotionally-driven while men tend to be more logic-driven.  That isn't to say that women don't or can't use logic or that men can't or don't have emotions, it is just to acknowledge the very basic reality that we are distinctly “designed”,  “Male” and “Female”.

As often as not, we can expect a man and a woman to approach situations differently.  There's no shame or penalty in this; it is by God’s wise design since He is the creator of both “male” and “female”. Our brain and body chemistry is different. At our very core, the hormone levels of testosterone and estrogen in men vs. women are distinct.  As a result, men and women not only look differently on the outside, they are fueled and motivated differently from the inside.  Many of these differences remain a mystery to the opposite sex.  We often mistake this for how each one is “acting” but they are not “acting”, they are simply operating from a different place. Many of these mysteries are simply “who” he/she is, not “how” he/she is acting. When any one of us insists that the design be other than what it was created to be, we are inviting impossible circumstances that he/she can’t possibly live up to.  In this, we set ourselves up for more pain and unsuccessful relationships.

You can wrap an apple in an orange peel but internally, its structure will still be an apple.  Plant the seeds and they will always produce other “apples” because they are “designed” that way.  We often forget that we were never created to be in the image of one another. We were created in the image of God and yet He made us distinct in gender, not just in roles. To expect one another to be or act in ways that are both unnatural as well as unintended is to ask someone to try and figure out how to literally “be” somebody else. We see this in the most basic sense when the roles are reversed.  A man can learn how to do certain tasks that women typically do and a woman can learn how to do certain tasks that a man typically does but this will never change the lens from which they view life and make decisions.  It does not change their hormone levels.  It doesn’t change “who” they really are.

As couples, if everyone is making decisions the same way, we are bound to miss something!  Again, referencing Pastor Eastland, he calls this the “microscope versus the telescope principle”.  Men tend to look at the world through the lens of a telescope - seeing more clearly those things that lie ahead and beyond the present circumstances.  They are not as easily deterred from their focus because they are more logical/concrete in nature and deal mostly based on “facts” and “end results”. 

Women tend to look at the world, family and life through a microscope - having a keener sense and understanding than many men have of what is up close.  They are more sensitive in nature and deal more with every day “human needs” and “details”.  They naturally gravitate towards what is needed behind the scenes to make it all happen.  He is the “mind” of the vision while she is the “heart”.  Of course “he” has heart and “she” has a mind, but ultimately, their natural tendencies will cause them to gravitate in the direction of their internal make up.

Men and women operate more effectively in relationship together when each one focuses on what they can see more clearly and when each one allows the other to operate from that perspective.  His ability to “see” clearly and her ability to “feel” it out are both necessary senses and add value to the outcome when appreciated. 

Read More

Day Thirteen: "While He is Awaiting His 'Set' Time..."

By Melissa Rich

To everything there is a time and a season for every purpose under heaven… Ecclesiastes 3:1

Okay ladies, we are waiting for a “man of God” and while we are waiting for this man and preparing ourselves for him, he is “without a helpmeet” which means there is a HUGE void in his life. He is fully aware of this void and maybe even asks God often to show him who this “helpmeet” is. He believes that God has prepared for him a “wife”, someone to work alongside him all the days of his life. He is expectant for her to enter into his life and to help share in the load that he is carrying. At times he feels desperate for the support of this woman and yet, he has not yet identified her. Still, he NEEDS her.

He has a burden, a burden that God has placed on his heart. He has a vision; one that involves a wife and maybe even a family. He has a work load one that he has come to realize is far too heavy for him to carry alone. And he deeply desires, not just a woman, not just a mate, but a “wife”, a “helpmeet”, someone who can sincerely and with all diligence share in the load he is currently bearing alone.

He knows of his weakness without her and he is fully aware of the deep necessity of her presence in his life and yet, he waits. He’s looking, maybe even dating but he is waiting for a woman who “seems right for his future”. He is waiting on a “wife”, a wife that will complement and complete him in his journey. He gets it, “it is not good for man to be alone”.

--He too has insecurities, even though he doesn’t admit them or even show much indication that they exist.
--He needs wisdom in all his daily decisions because one decision can change the course of his life for good or for bad.
--He has so much pulling on him. He needs God’s help to focus on the right thing, at the right time. He needs clarity as to what to eliminate along the way, those things which are not beneficial to his future.
--He needs strength to face all the battles of the day and not to give up.
--He needs his relationships to be aligned in such a way that he does not end up in compromising situations.
--He needs freedom from his past and maybe some things that are weighing heavy on his heart and mind that he has no ability to change. He is sorry.
--He has financial, emotional, and sexual needs that are not being met right now. ---He needs God’s strength to endure.
--He is human and sometimes questions himself. He needs added confidence when he begins to question everything and courage to take those additional steps that seem so impossible.
--He needs a revelation of God’s power in his life and the authority and dominion that God has called him to walk in and given to him.

With this, he will be able to face every battle, obstacle and challenge with resoluteness that he CAN take the victory. With God’s favor, and his steps ordered, his hands will be active in the things that are already stamped with God’s approval. God’s favor will rest on his life and he will be more effective and successful in all he does. Knowing that it is God who planted the seed of this man in his mother’s womb and mapped out an intricate plan for his life, we understand that God alone can complete what HE began in his life.

With this perspective, we lift this man up before God.

Instead of just praying "Lord bring me a husband"...pray FOR that husband and all that he will face today. If he is pursuing God's purpose for his life, he is in a fight for his destiny! If he is not pursuing God's purpose, your prayers still have the power to influence his life. They really do.

God is preparing you for marriage and you begin to notice that in your expectation you wake up thinking about where "he" is, what "he" is doing, "how" he is doing. Make your requests to God on his behalf- not based on your "own" need/s but based on love for another human being that will one day be a significant part of your life. This man coming to you is "worth" your time to pray for him. You are sowing seed into his life in advance. It will not return void.

Whether you believe there is "one" right man or that it is just "someone", an all knowing God will take your requests and rightly place them where "He" knows they belong. PRAY, and KNOW that your prayers have power! It doesn't even matter if we know who "he" is. GOD KNOWS! He will direct that prayer accordingly! Faith!

One of our readers put it so well when she said, "...Many of them are still wrestling with issues and need us to stand in the gap & intercede on their behalf even the ones on track still benefit from intercessory prayer..." ~Jamillah Brown~

In fact they will ALWAYS need our prayers... and these men NEED the prayers of FAITH on their behalf. We need to believe God for what "we" can see for these men; Valor, Strength, Authority, Dominion, Courage, Single-Mindedness, Confidence, Integrity, Men of vision, Men of purpose, Men whose hearts have been captivated by God to such a degree that they boldly approach HIM for their needs, desires and hopes, Mighty men of valor, Men who can hear God and who will follow, Men who will cover their homes, Men who have a heart for God and who "seek" after Him. These are the men GOD is raising up! Our prayers are a force behind them...

And as we pray, the man we are waiting on is being STRENGTHENED and FORTIFIED by our faith on his behalf. And he is being prepared specially as the head of “our” home.

PRAYER FOR A FUTURE HUSBAND
By Melissa Rich

Father in the Name of Jesus, COVER your son as he pursues Your plans for him.

IMPART WISDOM as he explores all his options and waits on You.

GIVE HIM CLARITY & RESOLUTENESS when it comes time to decide.

NARROW HIS FOCUS to that which involves only what You have on the agenda.

STRENGTHEN HIM for the journey.

ORDER HIS STEPS according to Your Word.

ALIGN HIS RELATIONSHIPS to accommodate Your plan for his life.

REMOVE ANY OLD MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL BURDENS that seek to hold him back.

PRESERVE HIS LIFE AND HIS HEART for all that You have fashioned him for.

PROVIDE FOR EVERY NEED that is before him.

FULFILL EVERY DESIRE that You have placed in him.

FILL HIM WITH CONFIDENCE TO GO FORTH and take the land which You have shown him.

ENDUE HIM WITH POWER & AUTHORITY to walk in all that You have called him to be and to do.

LET YOUR FAVOR REST ON HIM, MULTIPLY ALL HE PUTS HIS HAND TO.

May his heart be FIXED ON YOUR PURPOSES all the days of his life.

COMPLETE that which YOU started in him.

ALPHA & OMEGA, BEGINNING & END, HAVE YOUR WAY IN HIS LIFE. GLORIFY YOURSELF THROUGH THIS, YOUR SON. May he hear Your voice in the end saying, "WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT. ENTER NOW INTO YOUR REST."

BLESS HIM LORD, IN ALL THE WAYS THAT YOU ALONE CAN. BLESS HIM IN EVERY WAY and KEEP YOUR SON ALL THE DAYS OF HIS LIFE. Amen!

As always, we encourage you to…

1. Post your comments below or join the page & discussion at: https://www.facebook.com/BeWorthFinding


2. Email questions to: beworthfinding@gmail.com

or anonymously on Formspring: http://www.formspring.me/beworthfinding

3. Re-tweet, repost or send this to your friends!

We are building a community and are dedicated to helping as many people as we can to have happier, healthier and more fruitful relationships!!!

We hope to hear from you!

Read More