4 Reasons You Should Be Sick of Relationship Gurus

I'm about finished with relationship advice. I'm done reading it.  I'm (almost) done giving it.  (Also, I am cranky today, so this will read like it.  Maybe I'll come back and edit one day soon?  Maybe not.)  If you can point me towards someone who is actually helping the cause towards people finding and maintain healthy and whole relationships, I will kindly change my tune.  However, most of what I see breaks down into two categories: "Single Folks Gonna Single" and "Wait. You're Married But Don't Want Me To Be?"

Group One consists primarily of single men and women who constantly commiserate (that means the gripe to one another) and share tips that will - inevitably - keep them all single and in the same situation.  Group Two consists of the married "guru" who doesn't seem to have anything to say that can help other people down that path.  They post from their blogs with their pics of their lovely spouse and children but communicate that it probably isn't possible for you to have that life yourself.  Hmmmm...

Anyway... I'm about sick of all of them.  I'm about sick of myself on this topic, too, which is why I rarely talk on it anymore even though I'm asked to interview about once a week.  Instead of my continuing to rant, let me share the main reasons I think you (as a person hopeful of having a happy and healthy relationship with a special person one day) should start tuning EVERYBODY out...

1. The Prevalence of the "Real Men/Women" Tagline.  Anything that uses "real men" and "real women" a lot is a turn-off to me already. It is judgmental.  People are not monolithic automatons behaving all in the same fashion.  There are few things that describe a "real" man or "real" woman in any tangible way beyond their genitals.  We are all always (hopefully) maturing and are somewhere along the road called sanctification.  As best I can tell, the only thing common to real men is not caring a whole lot about what others think a "real man" ought to be doing.

2. Most advice is dripping with low-expectations.  Most of what is out there would more encourage me to walk away from dealing with women (or men if I was a woman) altogether.  Nearly everything people do is viewed with skepticism.  My Lord! Is there anything good to say about people?  Is there anything but criticism and complaining?  I believe there are a lot of good, hard-working, courageous and well-intentioned men out there along with some charming, kind, gracious and spiritual women.  I must be the only one who thinks so.

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3. They only know one line.  I am tired of reading material that has its primary advice "Run!" when dealing with something you don't like. Even more so when they can't (or barely) tell anybody what to seek. It's just run from this... run from that... run, run, ruunnnnnn! etc.  I promise you.  This is firmly lodged in the "Single Folks Gonna Single" mentality.  So many darn red flags.  No green lights?  At all?  I believe we'd be much better off learning to focus on the good qualities of people.

4. It is self-centered and prideful. How about this? How can YOU see through some surface things and help that person mature? Maybe you can and should have some grace towards them?  Most advice continues the presumption that "your" guy or gal must come as a prepared, finished product or they are worthless to you. It ignores the reader's own shortcomings - which are many... being that the reader is a human, too.

5. Bonus.  Instead of wondering whether that person of interest is ready for YOU how about investigating whether you are ready for them?  Ask yourself these non-self-centered (gasp!) questions...

• Am I ready to place their needs above my own?
• Do I make them a better person?
• Am I willing to support their vision for their life?
• Do I have a vision for my own life?
• Do I add value to their life?

If you can say "Yes!" to these questions then maybe, maybe you're truly ready for a relationship.  Otherwise the other person may not be getting that great of a deal themselves.  Think about it.  At the end of the day, it is about sacrificing yourself for that other person's better good. If you can't (or won't) do that, you should be letting them go.  God loves them, too, right?

Either way, it seems to me that the best thing to do is to open your Bible to The Proverbs and start to study.  Also, find a few wise counselors with whom you can talk regularly in real life who have lives you want to emulate and disconnect from almost everything else... even me if you need to.  I won't be upset.  I'll celebrate when I see you out with that special person!



Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY.  Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted!

He can be reached in the following ways:
Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/
Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts
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For more information on Mark as a speaker or presenter check out http://www.gigsalad.com/mark_anthony_mccray_houston

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6 Things You Didn't Know About Marriage

I stumbled upon a cool little video recently.  It's from Jenna McCarthy.  Not Jenny McCarthy.  Yeah.  I had to get that one straight myself!  Jenna McCarthy is the author of "If It Was Easy They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married" which gets points for a great title even if it isn't a great book.  (I haven't read it yet so I don't know!)


http://www.ted.com/talks/jenna_mccarthy_what_you_don_t_know_about_marriage.html

I have a heart for this issue because of the mistakes and errors I've made myself.  But every marriage doesn't have to fail.  In fact, success is predictable.  "50% of marriages end in divorce" is what I call a lying statistic.  Why?  Because it is NOT 50% for those who do some basic things.  Here are a few of her suggestions (with my commentary) on how to have a successful marriage.  Love her insights!  Buckle up.  She is blunt!

1. Wives, keep yourself more attractive and thinner than your husband. There is science to this. I promise! And before you get mad at me, get mad at her if you want to.  I'm just telling you what she says.

2. Focus on the positives/praise-worthy moments. I've written about this recently.  There is (according to research) an ideal praise-to-criticism ratio.  We have to learn how to catch each other doing something right.  I remind my fellow men of God this all the time.

3. Husbands should help out domestically.  This leads to more/better sex and happiness at home. It turns out that washing a few dishes goes a loooooooong way to help and heal a marriage.

4. People who smile in photos divorce less often. The eyes are the windows of the soul.  Perhaps this is more pertinent to the singles, but it is no less true.  Look at photos.  You can see whether they are hard-wired for happiness or grief.  Agree?  Disagree?

5. Watching romantic comedies causes relationship dissatisfaction. You have to learn to free yourself from the fantasies.

6. Divorce is contagious. The people with whom you spend your time matters A LOT! You have to be intentional to place yourself in the company of those who are striving to make it.  Quitting too soon becomes a habit.  You can catch that attitude. Get around those who are happy and know how to work through it when they aren't.  Everything could hinge on this.

I've also come to understand that you must work to keep the "love bank" full.  Small kindnesses, gestures, non-sexual touch are all ways to do this.  (Guys, even if Valentine's Day doesn't mean much to you, it probably means something to her.  A unique Valentine's Day gift for her can go a long way!)

If you need help changing the way you see some things and yourself, join my Relationship Readiness Group. You'll love it as study together with a particular focus on how to prepare yourself for love and healthy relationships!  If YOU need this kind of help, join this group.

Remember this, too, as a bonus idea... A well-timed gift can work wonders!  Don't get caught forgetting important dates.

Blessings!

~Mark Anthony




Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.comPhone: 281-846-5720 Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmptyFacebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmptyLinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/postsYouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccrayPinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/ Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter and HERE to learn about coaching programs to help you realize your potential and live more prosperously!

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The Incredible Praise-to-Criticism Ratio

One quality I have always observed in people is how they use their tongues. Do you promote healing? Does you build up? Or do you criticize, condemn and destroy? (Yes. Sarcasm fits into the destructive category, I'm afraid.)

"There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing." - Proverbs 12:18

It is said that it takes several compliments to undo the damage of one criticism. Harvard says effective teams have a ratio that works: 5.6 compliments for every criticism. They call it the "Praise-to-Criticism" Ratio.

Long before I knew what to call it, I knew Solomon's words. I also wonder whether this applies to successful marriages and child rearing. I suspect you know which way I'm leaning on that. So I watch people. I watch them in real life. I watch them online. I read their tweets. I look at how they talk to their children. I can't tell you how important this measure of a man or woman is to me. If you can't build people up, you can't be in my life. If you can't minister hope and grace, I can't be in a relationship with you and I must not compromise on this.

Candidly, these days I openly wonder whether some of us would have anything to say if we weren't ridiculing somebody.  Sigh. We've got to do better, saints. We've got to do better.  If YOU need this kind of help, consider joining one of my coaching programs. 



Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.comPhone: 281-846-5720 Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/ Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/

Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter.

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3 Ways Cosmopolitan Magazine Is Creating Divorce.

Maybe I'm being a hater.  I'm sure I am.  But I was send an article the other week called "What Makes Men Fall in Love" and was asked my thoughts on it.  I guess I'm predictable and people know my triggers because the first thing I did was an image search on "Cosmopolitan Magazine Covers" and this is what I got back. 

Am I that old and out of touch?  I am shocked at how often "sex" is the highlight of the issue considering their target market - mostly young, single women in their late teens and early twenties.  That's the first way Cosmo is ruining marriage: It's got people thinking good sex = healthy relationship.  Ummm...

But the second way Cosmo is ruining relationships and creating (future) divorces is by teaching gamesmanship as a part of the dating process.  They say to pick fights as a way to show him you're not a pushover.  Well, I'm not so sure about that.  I think two people in relationship will have enough organic disagreements over time and you don't need to manufacture any.   Don't pick fights to show you're strong.  Just express your own opinions.  You'll get enough disagreements in time. I'm sure of it!  They also say you should blow him off from time to time.  Since when has ignoring someone been a sign that you care?  Go ahead and try that if you want to!

Finally, here's the deal.  You can't make someone fall in love with you.  Love is a choice.  It's a decision to commit to you.  The bottom line is a man (just like a woman) wants to be in a relationship with a person of character.  Develop character from the inside.  If you need help, grab a Bible.  Go to the Proverbs.  You'll get all the advice you need right there.

Here's where I will give this article credit.  I think they are right about most of the male triggers to attachment.  I just don't think you have to try a pull a guy's strings to get him there.  You do that and eventually people figure you out and resent you for it.

Then you're looking for the article about what to do when he leaves you.

Your thoughts?

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted!

He can be reached in the following ways:

Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/
Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/

Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter and HERE to learn about coaching programs to help you realize your potential and live more prosperously!

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Walking the Line.

I finally watched "Walk the Line" (the Johnny Cash story) a couple of weeks ago and it's been in my mind heavily since.  I know for a fact a couple of my friends are probably tired of hearing me talk about it!  Sorry, folks.  Just from an acting point of view, Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon owned it.  They completely owned those roles... learning how to play the instruments, singing their own songs to the point of mirroring The Man in Black and his wife nearly perfectly!  Wow!

Still... that's not what has stuck with me for two weeks.

Single people always talk about wanting to have that man or woman who has it all together.  All the time.  Yet, in real life, there seems to be an element of "rescuing" that happens with most couples that really make it. Cash was at his lowest point when June Carter finally agreed to marry him.  She'd already failed in two previous marriages and had children from both of them.  He had been successful, but was broke, drug-addicted and teetering on the edge of being forgotten.  She had grown up in a prominent family within country music but was now the outcast... the "whore" who couldn't make it work with good men.

They were both damaged goods in the eyes of many.  Maybe even in their own eyes?  But a funny thing happens when two people can both graduate to the point of realizing they need each other.  True partnership.  Thirty-five years marriage.  Old hurts forgotten.  Legacies forged.  It's a beautiful thing.

Also consider this...and I'll talk about it more another day... it's the original voices that we remember.  Unique voices are heard.  Copies are largely ignored.  Johnny Cash was an original.

The moral of the story today: don't be so afraid to need people.

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What You Should REALLY Do.

Isn't that how we treat people these days?  You should do this or that and if you don't then "go kill yourself!"  I HATE that phrase, but I see it tossed around a lot.  When did we become so harsh and judgmental?

Lots of "shoulds" make for GREAT social media conversations, but horrible relationships. And nobody likes a nag. You post "people should so and so" or people should never "blah blah blah" and it works because it divides the room (so to speak) philosophically and sparks conversation. Inevitably there will be one or two people on each side of the room who feel passionately enough to fill up your page with comments and entertainment.

However, in real life, every time you use the word "should" you're judging and every judgment alienates. I'm not saying there aren't times to alienate people. I'm just saying count the cost. Measure most of your rules against whether they work for you. Every successful person and every successful relationship contains at least a few elements that other people say they should or should not have.

You should "do you" more often.

 Oh yeah. Here's a friendly "iron sharpening" tip. Most people are already dealing with a number of insecurities and ways in which they feel like a failure anyway. They rarely need to be told yet another way in which they're failing to measure up! Trying cheering someone on for a change!

Subscribe to this blog.  Let's journey together!

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Never Allow Average to Become Acceptable!

You are NOT an "Average Joe" by any means!  I'm not even hearing that!

The time for settling is over. No more settling in your finances. No more settling in your relationships. No more settling in your passion. No more settling in your purpose! Far too many of you are living below your privilege and have become comfortable there. Consider this your wake-up call. I'll let you hit snooze once. After that I'm coming with the cold water!

Surround yourself with people who expect excellence out of you and also expect excellence out of yourself.  Never settle again!  There is NO REASON you can't walk in greatness.  NONE!!

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For About the One Billioneth Time!

Boy, oh boy, does your environment make a difference! After spending the last couple of days around some of the sharpest, most aggressive people I know, I am so convinced that I needed this! I needed more time around leaders and I got it.  Thank God!

This could be one of my shortest blogs ever. I just want to remind you of a couple of things:

• Iron sharpens iron...and...
• He who walks with the wise becomes wise. 

If I can remind you of those and encourage you to seek out the company of fine men and women, I will have done my job today. That's pretty much it. A reminder. Now do it!!!

Subscribe. Let me help you keep your internal dialogue healthy and productive!  Also, thank God for cheerleaders!  If you need one, let me know!

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How Iron Sharpens Iron

A true friend reminds you of your righteousness instead of your wretchedness. Iron sharpens iron. Truth. But how does this happen? I would suggest that it doesn't happen through criticism...primarily because most people don't know how to offer it.

"Mark, but...but..."

Hear me out for a moment. There is ALWAYS a way to say anything. Look up what the Proverbs say about a "word fitly spoken" and share your thoughts with me. Also, remember that it takes eleven sincere compliments to undo the damage of one criticism.

Therefore, let me share THREE ways to offer feedback that will more likely be received and EDIFY the hearer:

(1) Offer "feedback" instead of "constructive criticism" in every case. Just hearing the word "criticism" will make people grow tense. Instead say "May I offer you some feedback?" It's always feedback because feedback doesn't automatically lend a negative connotation to the situation.

(2) Never offer feedback without their permission. If they say "No" it is really okay. The world won't end. Maybe they don't want to hear what you have to say right now. They will live and so will you. Often your feedback hasn't been received well in the past because YOU needed to say it more than they needed to hear it. Get past yourself. If they don't give you permission to continue, don't. Simple as that.

(3) Sandwiches. This is an old technique that still works. Sandwich the feedback between sincere compliments. This is easy. Start with something positive they've accomplished, insert a way they can improve and close with a reinforcement of their value to you and their accomplishments. This reinforces that you're coming from a place of RELATIONSHIP with them and that you're not seeking to sever the relationship by way of your words.

People tend to gravitate towards their praise and grow more by way of positive expectations and reinforcements than from criticisms. It reminds of me a quote I heard from a Philadelphia sports fan who was overhead booing Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt. When asked why, he said "I'm trying to make him better!" How ridiculous to think a Hall of Fame Ballplayer was moved by his boos! I'll bet you a dollar the "great cloud of witnesses" is cheering you on... not waiting for you to stumble so they can point out your flaws.

To your success!

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted!

He can be reached in the following ways:
Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/
Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/

For more information on Mark as a speaker or presenter check out http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/p/about-mark_29.html

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