4 Reasons You Should Be Sick of Relationship Gurus

I'm about finished with relationship advice. I'm done reading it.  I'm (almost) done giving it.  (Also, I am cranky today, so this will read like it.  Maybe I'll come back and edit one day soon?  Maybe not.)  If you can point me towards someone who is actually helping the cause towards people finding and maintain healthy and whole relationships, I will kindly change my tune.  However, most of what I see breaks down into two categories: "Single Folks Gonna Single" and "Wait. You're Married But Don't Want Me To Be?"

Group One consists primarily of single men and women who constantly commiserate (that means the gripe to one another) and share tips that will - inevitably - keep them all single and in the same situation.  Group Two consists of the married "guru" who doesn't seem to have anything to say that can help other people down that path.  They post from their blogs with their pics of their lovely spouse and children but communicate that it probably isn't possible for you to have that life yourself.  Hmmmm...

Anyway... I'm about sick of all of them.  I'm about sick of myself on this topic, too, which is why I rarely talk on it anymore even though I'm asked to interview about once a week.  Instead of my continuing to rant, let me share the main reasons I think you (as a person hopeful of having a happy and healthy relationship with a special person one day) should start tuning EVERYBODY out...

1. The Prevalence of the "Real Men/Women" Tagline.  Anything that uses "real men" and "real women" a lot is a turn-off to me already. It is judgmental.  People are not monolithic automatons behaving all in the same fashion.  There are few things that describe a "real" man or "real" woman in any tangible way beyond their genitals.  We are all always (hopefully) maturing and are somewhere along the road called sanctification.  As best I can tell, the only thing common to real men is not caring a whole lot about what others think a "real man" ought to be doing.

2. Most advice is dripping with low-expectations.  Most of what is out there would more encourage me to walk away from dealing with women (or men if I was a woman) altogether.  Nearly everything people do is viewed with skepticism.  My Lord! Is there anything good to say about people?  Is there anything but criticism and complaining?  I believe there are a lot of good, hard-working, courageous and well-intentioned men out there along with some charming, kind, gracious and spiritual women.  I must be the only one who thinks so.

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3. They only know one line.  I am tired of reading material that has its primary advice "Run!" when dealing with something you don't like. Even more so when they can't (or barely) tell anybody what to seek. It's just run from this... run from that... run, run, ruunnnnnn! etc.  I promise you.  This is firmly lodged in the "Single Folks Gonna Single" mentality.  So many darn red flags.  No green lights?  At all?  I believe we'd be much better off learning to focus on the good qualities of people.

4. It is self-centered and prideful. How about this? How can YOU see through some surface things and help that person mature? Maybe you can and should have some grace towards them?  Most advice continues the presumption that "your" guy or gal must come as a prepared, finished product or they are worthless to you. It ignores the reader's own shortcomings - which are many... being that the reader is a human, too.

5. Bonus.  Instead of wondering whether that person of interest is ready for YOU how about investigating whether you are ready for them?  Ask yourself these non-self-centered (gasp!) questions...

• Am I ready to place their needs above my own?
• Do I make them a better person?
• Am I willing to support their vision for their life?
• Do I have a vision for my own life?
• Do I add value to their life?

If you can say "Yes!" to these questions then maybe, maybe you're truly ready for a relationship.  Otherwise the other person may not be getting that great of a deal themselves.  Think about it.  At the end of the day, it is about sacrificing yourself for that other person's better good. If you can't (or won't) do that, you should be letting them go.  God loves them, too, right?

Either way, it seems to me that the best thing to do is to open your Bible to The Proverbs and start to study.  Also, find a few wise counselors with whom you can talk regularly in real life who have lives you want to emulate and disconnect from almost everything else... even me if you need to.  I won't be upset.  I'll celebrate when I see you out with that special person!



Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY.  Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted!

He can be reached in the following ways:
Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
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Feel+Felt+Found (How to Get People to Hear What You're Saying)

Do you feel like you struggle to be heard when you most need to be?  Here's a simple way to offer advice that people NEED and have them actually LISTEN to you. You've heard it said that people don't care what you know until they know that you care. That's true! Now, here's the way to show them that you care quickly and in in a few short statements:

FEEL - "I understand what you're feeling." - Use this statement (or one like it) to make it clear that you are listening and relating to what is on their heart and mind.  This is to people that you aren't being condescending.

FELT - "I have felt the same way." - Show them that you've been there before...either in the same situation or in a similar one.  Now they feel like you can relate to them.  Don't lie.  Just be transparent and authentic.

FOUND - "Here's what I've found..." - Detail what you learned and how you rose out of that place in life. These become the action items you want them to take.

Don't quote these directly! That said, if you use this pattern, people will receive what they need to hear from you much better. They will feel that you care...and then care about what you know!  Once you're done sharing, honor their ability to process your words and leave them alone.  Watch if Feel + Felt + Found doesn't make you a better communicator!

Please leave me your comments so I know how to serve you better!! If this was helpful, forward it to a friend. If you like it and want more, check out The Expert Excellence Webinar (c) - Position Yourself, Promote and Profit as an Expert!   YOU NEED this training.  Your career needs it!  Get it today.  Remember, you're going to have to learn something different to get something different.

To your success!

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY.  Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted!



He can be reached in the following ways:

Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/
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For more information on Mark as a speaker or presenter check out http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/p/about-mark_29.html

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The Incredible Praise-to-Criticism Ratio

One quality I have always observed in people is how they use their tongues. Do you promote healing? Does you build up? Or do you criticize, condemn and destroy? (Yes. Sarcasm fits into the destructive category, I'm afraid.)

"There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing." - Proverbs 12:18

It is said that it takes several compliments to undo the damage of one criticism. Harvard says effective teams have a ratio that works: 5.6 compliments for every criticism. They call it the "Praise-to-Criticism" Ratio.

Long before I knew what to call it, I knew Solomon's words. I also wonder whether this applies to successful marriages and child rearing. I suspect you know which way I'm leaning on that. So I watch people. I watch them in real life. I watch them online. I read their tweets. I look at how they talk to their children. I can't tell you how important this measure of a man or woman is to me. If you can't build people up, you can't be in my life. If you can't minister hope and grace, I can't be in a relationship with you and I must not compromise on this.

Candidly, these days I openly wonder whether some of us would have anything to say if we weren't ridiculing somebody.  Sigh. We've got to do better, saints. We've got to do better.  If YOU need this kind of help, consider joining one of my coaching programs. 



Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.comPhone: 281-846-5720 Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/ Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/

Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter.

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Your Words Shape Your Life!

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"I expect to be playing Aledo for the State Championship on December 17 at Noon in Cowboys Stadium." ~Manvel HS Head Coach when interviewed about his preseason expectations for the Mavericks in June...before school had started...before ANYONE had played any games. This weekend at Noon, they are playing Aledo for the State Championship in football.  I am blogging this from the game.

"One day I'm going to sell out Madison Square Garden." ~ Five year old Justin Bieber

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit." ~Proverbs 18:21

I want you to seriously think about what you've been saying lately. What direction are your words carrying you? I can assure you they are taking you somewhere. But are you happy with that direction? You have to learn to speak to your own future.

How does "speaking it" work? Does your tongue hold some kind of mysterious power to shape your entire world? Can you "make" people do what you say? Well, to a degree, I believe so! I believe our words have creative force to bend and shape expectations and circumstances and greatly influence even other people who hear us. It's not magic. People still have free will. You still have to work to manifest most of the things you want. But it's about using your language to craft expectations...which leads to outcomes.

If you're always setting your dreams and goals out there in front of people, you will attract people who will want to help. People will treat you the way you expect to be treated.

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Second, and most important, your words will shape YOUR OWN attitudes, expectations and actions. As you start to speak, you will expect more, press yourself harder and look for more opportunities and open doors. As you begin to speak to your future, you'll become less satisfied with the mediocrity of your present. You will be changing yourself from the inside - and the manifestations will begin show on the outside.

It's like Zig Ziglar says...positive words won't make everything possible, but they will make more things possible than negative words will! So don't be afraid to "declare it" because, until you do, it's likely what you really want to see manifested will never appear.

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted!

He can be reached in the following ways:

Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/
Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts
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Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/

Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter and HERE to learn about coaching programs to help you realize your potential and live more prosperously!

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