Learning to Love God's Way by Melissa Rich

(In conjunction with “Become What You Desire”)

I hate using the preface “as Christians”, because it can be so wrongly placed but "As Christians", the greatest commandment is

A. Love the Lord your God with all your heart... and

B. Love your neighbor as your "self".

This is FOUNDATIONAL to EVERYTHING else in our lives... EVERYTHING. It is confused sometimes since in order to love another, we must first learn what it means to love God and then learn what it means to both be loved by Him and to love ourselves.

Love is not a "soft" word by any means. It is so often misunderstood.  A person who has poured themselves out in love will know this all too well. Love takes risks and gives, not based on what is deserved but based on what it has to offer.

If God is "love" then we can see so many facets of love that are overlooked in our personal relationships too often, both friendships and otherwise. Love is a "commitment" word. A person who is in pursuit of loving God and learning to accept His unconditional love for them will learn also to love others and will show evidence of it; and those who are on that path will also recognize it and be drawn to it.

I am building from the bottom up, without self-love and respect; there will be nothing to give another. These are foundations we must build personally if we are to have healthy, Godly, lasting relationships.

LOVE THAT STOPS PROGRESSING IS DEAD: As "Christians", we "owe" this love to one another because God first loved us. We are commanded to love, as "He" has freely loved us. Love does not use, abuse or squander another for its own gain, no matter what. It does not take revenge or demand to always be right. It does not point the finger outward but it looks inward and concerns itself with pleasing "God" not man or oneself.

I personally do not think that learning "true" love is the easiest thing to do because true love puts a demand on the deepest part of us; but it is absolutely possible if we are willing to grow. It asks us for things we are not already doing and giving and it moves us to "willingly" give what we would never have given before. Love is always "progressive" it never stops developing and expanding; when it does, it is no longer alive.

LOVE WAS ALWAYS INTENDED TO BE “GIVEN”: I don't believe we are to pour ourselves out to just anyone, anywhere without wisdom but I do believe there are places and times where God requires us to give because "He" gave, not because we are keeping score.

Though I have never been married, I would dare say, learning how to give freely as a "personal choice" understanding the value of "giving freely" to what is likely to be the most significant relationship in your life, is one of the most important components to both peace and unity in a home. It is also amongst the greatest investments you will ever make in your life. It assumes the best of the other and keeps bitterness out.

Love was always intended to be "given". And this love gives because it “can” not because it “has” to. It gives because it finds true joy in fulfilling the needs of another. A person who has learned to love like this does it because they believe in the value of giving freely without expectation. They understand that all things cannot be measured with the natural eye. If it is the man God has given you, it is a no brainer, pour it out. He’s your personal garden to tend to. 

I understand this is a somewhat “foreign” concept, but think about it. To be so free as to be able to be a blessing to the ONE man that God has assigned you to be a “helpmeet” to and to do that with all your heart and without reserve. To have the freedom of heart, mind and soul to be able to be the “wife” that God has called you to be, to uphold that “role” with the utmost integrity and sincerity regardless of whether or not you “feel” like it. Marriage is not a party, it is a “partnership” and each has been given roles by “God” to fulfill in that partnership.

A PURE HEART: With this premise of "Love", we are to think, view and respond to others from a "pure" heart, not one of malice and bitterness and a person who has been hurt, violated in particular ways whether it was before they were old enough to choose or if it was after, may need to work on their own heart before having the capacity to be in a relationship where they have something to truly give and where they understand themselves enough to be able to communicate their own thoughts and needs without intense emotion, manipulation and/or unrealistic expectations.

I believe we unconsciously attract who we really are (whether we know ourselves well or not) so if we are "stuck" in the past, we could likely end up with someone who is also "stuck" in the past and the two together are a recipe for disaster.

If we lived in a “perfect” world, we would already have been prepared for this level of relationship in marriage and we would easily move into it without reserve; but since we do not, these are things we must approach “intentionally” in our lives. If you are “reserved” when you consider being a “helpmeet” and you have a “defensive” response to everything anyone says about “submission” and being a “helpmeet”, there is a very good chance that you are either 1. Emotionally unhealed from former abuse and/or 2. Misinformed as to God’s original design for marriage and the family.

At the end of the day, in order to experience the best of what God intended for marriage, we must be our personal best as wives. I understand that the “men” have their own issues and I will leave that to the “men” to deal with; as for “us ladies”, let’s challenge one another in our views towards men and marriage. This bitterness and anger is perpetuating generations of the same. Learning to love as God loves is the only chance we may have at experiencing something better for our future than what we have experienced in our past.

~Melissa Rich~

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"Become What You Desire" by Melissa Rich

(In conjunction with, “Learning To Love God’s Way”)

Becoming a woman of excellence and value begins with making decisions that “build” your life, rather than tearing it down. We often find ourselves in relationships that are destructive and wonder how we keep ending up there. Somehow, once we have been in the relationship for a while, we can easily see very clearly what the “other” person is doing wrong but it is often difficult to see our “own” dysfunction which led to yet “another” hurtful and disappointing relationship. In this article, I will speak to “single” ladies specifically who are hoping to be married one day and who desire Godly relationships.

FOUNDATIONS: Foundations are always primary when it comes to any issue. Where we are working "from" is going to determine what we have to offer and how we offer it. Our "history" will always either teach us the greatest lessons or stunt us in the most debilitating ways. In everything we must first look at "God" as our primary example, "ourselves" as the only person we have the ability to change, and allow the "right" voices into our lives to help us develop into the healthiest person possible.

RESPECT- WE CAN’T GIVE OR RECEIVE WHAT WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND: First, we can never pretend that treating others badly or trying to manipulate them is acceptable; NO MATTER WHAT someone else did to you, because God is our example and we are not judge. We should treat ALL people with respect, including ourselves, even when they disrespect us.

There is a difference between disrespect and drawing a boundary. We can say, "No that is not okay with me" without insulting or creating drama, while still maintaining self-respect in the way we communicate. We should never lower our own selves to disrespect another just because we feel disrespected by them. That is "reactive" emotion and it only makes you become like the person who upset you.

Maintain your "own" standard of how you treat others, regardless of how they treat you and don't keep them close if they do not know how to treat you with the courtesy and respect you deserve as well. (I'm not saying pamper you, which is an entirely different desire.) Give respect and expect respect. It is a two way street, but first we must learn how to respect ourselves. We can never give or require what we do not yet understand.

GETTING MARRIED IS NOT HARD AT ALL, BUT STAYING MARRIED…: Ladies, we need to learn how God views us and align our own thoughts of ourselves to "His". In this, we also become women after His own heart; who live and act in a way that will attract the right kind of men and give us a clear sense of which ones are not right for our future.

I have always believed that “getting married” is not hard at all, getting married to a man I will always be "growing" with is not as easy. And staying married seems near impossible these days, but it is not. Being single and a little lonely or desirous is far better than being married to the wrong man, bound by covenant, and miserable, but either way, misery is often within, not without so if you are not happy single, you will likely not be happy married. Work on “yourself”. 

ADDRESS YOUR PAIN: If we want something of value in our lives, we need to become something of value. In this particular case, I am defining value to mean emotionally and spiritually mature. Someone who holds themself to a standard that makes them a “good” potential mate. We need to be real with ourselves and face those deep places where we store our pain. We need to be willing to "go there" and address our anger, bitterness, resentment and wounds as it relates to God, men and our understanding of love and relationships.

We can have a relationship instantly but that only leads to continual heartache. It is better to take our time preparing ourselves for the relationship we "desire" and no, this does not come as easily because many hold pain and heartache that block that man from coming. Fear of intimacy keeps us hooking up with men who simply aren’t long term material for us. If the right man came, we would likely drive him off anyway.

Emotional health goes a long way in knowing who is going to be good and right for your life.  If you have a lot of pain related to relationships, you likely need a season of rest from them to heal and get your head and heart straight. Jumping from one to the other will only keep you from seeing the real issues but ultimately, it keeps YOU unhappy and unfulfilled.

THE DECISION IS YOURS ALONE: Sweet sisters, that short term "fix" you get from being held by a man and caressed; that short lived bliss is perpetuating your pain. It is keeping you lonely even when you are with someone and it is keeping you broken when you desire wholeness and true love.

Evaluate your relationships, your choices and your life and ask yourself if the decisions you are making are helping you long term? Are they getting you where you truly desire to go? Do you even believe there is something better? Ask God to help you believe in "His" promise for a future filled with “hope”. And, are the choices you are making leaving you feeling empty or fulfilled? Eliminate the ones that are harmful to you. Only you can make those decisions. Spend some time with yourself and become the most complete person you can.

MAKE DECISIONS THAT BUILD YOUR LIFE: Emotionally "whole" people attract, recognize and desire emotionally "whole" people. It may take longer to get there but if we look ahead, we will see that we can work a little longer and harder for a future of hope or we can keep doing what we are doing and establish that we are willing to live in this same pain forever. It isn't easy, it isn't simple and it isn't an overnight process but it is absolutely "yours" to decide.

Ladies, value yourselves enough to become respectable women in your own eyes. Too many of us disrespect ourselves and then wonder why men do the same. We teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. We are responsible and held accountable for all our own decisions. Leave those men to God; they are not yours to measure.

This is God's heart and desire for you, that you would look forward to your future, that you would believe Him that there are good things ahead for you and that you would live your life as the very best person that you are capable of being.

Becoming a woman of excellence and value begins with making decisions that “build” your life, rather than tearing it down.

~Melissa Rich~

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The Top 5 Things a Man Needs in a Wife

Continuing the discussion started in this blog on The Top 5 Things a Woman Needs in a Husband!


"The Top 5 Things a Man Needs in a Wife"

#1 SEXUAL FULFILLMENT:

‎" The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband's need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife's need for affection. This need in men is so strong that it must be satisfied -- in or out of the marriage. When a man binds himself in marriage, he makes the assumption that his wife will be available to him sexually. If that is not the case, it it sets the stage for an affair -- which will be destructive to the marriage."

#2 RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP:

The need to have fun with his partner is the second need Harley identifies for men. As already stated, we often put our best foot forward in the courtship and this is another area where there may be disappointment after the "I do". "Why don't you do this with me anymore?" is a common lament. Harley cautions wives that having fun together doing the things that you both like is essential to the marriage. "Men place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions."

#3 AN ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE:

‎"A man with a need for an attractive spouse feels good whenever he looks at his attractive wife. In fact, that is what emotional needs are all about. When one of his emotional needs is met he feels fulfilled, and when it's not met, he feels frustrated. It may sound immature or superficial, but I've found that most men have a need for an attractive wife. They do not appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone. They appreciate the way she looks."

#4 DOMESTIC SUPPORT:

He needs peace and quiet. There may be a cultural change/demand that says that men need to take more responsibility in the home for domestic chores, but most men are not embracing this change. The male has a deep need for his wife to "take care of things" -- especially take care of him.

#5 ADMIRATION/RESPECT:

HE NEEDS HER TO BE PROUD OF HIM
Why do males have this need? Admiration energizes and motivates a man and he often expects his wife to be his most ardent fan. He needs to be appreciated for what he IS, not for what he COULD BECOME. While criticism causes men to become defensive, his wife's encouragement enables him to become more confident and enables him to achieve far more.

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The Top 5 Things a Woman Needs in a Husband!

A number of people have asked me about the book I referenced previously and often, "His Needs, Her Needs" so here's a PSA.  You can click below and order it right from here!  After you read it, tell me what you think about it!  Share your thoughts with me on Facebook:

He Who Finds a Wife & Be Worth Finding for ongoing talk about relationship issues from a Christian perspective!!!

So...let's get to it!  From "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley...

"The Top 5 Things a Woman Needs in a Husband"

#1 AFFECTION:

"Physical affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval."

Affection is important in its own right and it has nothing to do with sex. Affection says "I Love You" without "I Lust For You." Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, touches, gifts, back rubs, affectionate words, etc. all fall under the category of affection. Harley says that the "typical male" sees affection as foreplay to sexual encounters and is normally aroused by affectionate physical gestures. A man who growls, 'I'm not the affectionate type' while reaching for his wife's body to satisfy his desires for sex, is missing a chance to meet one of her deepest needs.

#2 CONVERSATION:

We usually put our best foot forward before the marriage and are trying to get acquainted with each other as well as letting the other person know how much we like them. In order to do both, we are usually engaged in a lot of conversation. Long talks at night.
Long conversations on the telephone. Walks where we tell each other about ourselves.

After the wedding, we know about each other and the conversations we used to enjoy seem to be very limited or come to an end altogether. Harley says that men do not seem to need conversation, but women seem to enjoy conversation for its own sake. The most
satisfying conversation is one that focuses on getting to know each other, showing an interest in each other, and discussing topics of interest to both. It is important that she feel a genuine interest and caring for her.

Harley says that the average woman needs 15 hours of quality conversation a week.

#3 HONESTY AND OPENNESS:

"A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs…To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future."

‎#4 FINANCIAL SUPPORT:

"Humorous anecdotes abound on women who marry men for their money, but my counseling experience has taught me not to treat this tendency as a joke. In truth, a woman does marry at man for his money -- at least she wants him to earn enough money to support her as well as (or better than) her father did when she was growing up."

#5 COMMITMENT TO FAMILY:

"A woman has a powerful instinct to create a strong family unit. They want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to be a
good father. This means having "good family time" and playing an active role in raising the children."

You can order your copy of this great resource here!

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How Deeply Did You Look? by Richard "Big Rich" Evans

I'm honored to have this submission from Guest Blogger, Richard "BigRich" Evans!! Here you go!!! This was originally posted on his blog here: BLOG POST!

I remember when my daughter was several years younger she would always mention to me that she felt that I was not dating the right type of woman for who she saw me as being. Her comment was that I tended to date big women when in her eyes I was much too attractive for that. I always told her that when I set out to find someone I never worried as much about how they were built as much as I was concerned about how they treated me and mine.

I have come to realize that America has tried to brainwash people into what mainstream society considers to be important. Never mind that not every woman has long legs, a short torso, is thin and has amazing curves and looks. Now I am certain that if given enough time and money, almost any woman could acquire some of those things, but that defies the laws the nature. We did not all come out of the womb perfect and to be honest, that was by design. If we lived in a land of utopia and every person was gorgeous, would that really improve the quality of life? Would poverty, hunger, racism and sexism end because everyone was pretty? I think not.

So for me, I was never the one to get caught up on her body type as long as she had curves. Was not one to get that deep into looks as long as she was not hideous. So in other words, an average woman by societies standards who happened to have great personality and ability was perfect for me.

Too often now, we want a woman/man to look and act a certain way and to have certain things. Oftentimes, we do not have the companion components to what we want. So if the person we are wanting has all the things we want but yet they do not see any of what they want in us, NOTHING is happening.

Now I am not saying that I want everyone to run out and search for average or to even be content with average. No, average works only with certain things and those that are average have to be above average in other areas. But if we ourselves are average and not above average in some areas, we need to do a self assessment.

Look beyond the body, the height and the face. Look towards the personality, the heart and the mind of others. After all, looks are what can get you shot dead in the streets, but your personality may just keep you alive.

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Join us for the first Christian Relationship Roundtable & Mixer!!!

Join us at the Christian Relationship Roundtable presented by Mark Anthony McCray of Live BIG! Die Empty. on Friday, December 2 from 6PM to 8PM at Java Hut.  The theme for the event will be "10 Things a Woman Must Consider About a Man Before Becoming Seriously Involved" and will be an evening of great fellowship, fun and refreshments!

After countless hours of prayer and planning and advertising, I am excited to say that we are ready!!!! It is going to be an incredible evening with some of the most incredible people in the Houston area!  The Crystal Monae will also be there sharing her words of wisdom.

We are going to have music, awesome food and drink, fun and learn a lot as we:

1 - Provide opportunities for unmarried adults to meet and fellowship with other Christians
2 - Address issues that are pertinent and unique to Christian Singles
3 - To edify the saints so they are healed, blessed and ready for relationship success

All single adults (never married, divorced, widowed) are welcomed and encouraged to attend!  Trust me.  You won't want to miss this, guys and ladies.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!! Please be in prayer for those attending and those participating in the event. May God Be Glorified and may people be healed and blessed!  Be sure to check out our Facebook sites for more information about this and future events:

https://www.facebook.com/LiveBigDieEmpty
https://www.facebook.com/HeWhoFindsAWife
https://www.facebook.com/BeWorthFinding

Capacity is limited.  Be sure to save your space by registering TODAY!!

http://christianrelationshipevents.eventbrite.com/

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Too Many *!@#$^& Friends!!!

Is it time to clean up your "Friends" list?

It was for me. I finally got to the point where Facebook was stopping me from "liking" any more pages, accepting any more friends. Basically, I was in social media jail! If you can't even join YOUR OWN new page, you've got too many connections! If were to Unlike my favorite page for any reason, I couldn't add it back. It was time for me to clean house. Maybe it is for you, too? Here's how I approached it!

The first thing I chose to do is eliminate business, ministry and "cause" pages so that I'm focused more on relating to actual people. You'll be surprised how many untended pages you might be connected to. Also, when you go through your list you'll see a lot of people have duplicate profiles. Housecleaning was much needed for me! I had sent Friend Requests to so many people with cute faces that I would never meet, wasn't interested in meeting and often didn't even speak English.

I went through a phase where I "friended" and accepted requests from almost ANYBODY. I guess I felt like I was getting my name out there. You may have done the same. The funny thing is this: my connections with real people have exploded over the last several days after doing a little bit of housecleaning. That means I was probably missing some real connections in the cluttler of my newsfeed and pages.

There are studies out there that say we can only truly manage 150 online relationships anyway. Therefore, the focus should be on building the best, most fruitful, most fulfilling 150 we can!! That's my new goal...wonderful relationships with more of the right people!

Blessings!

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Walking Funny: "Encourage My Brothers" Version

I was out looking at real estate recently. The agent was walking me to look at condos but she had a funny way of walking. As I followed behind her, I found her extremely difficult to follow because she kind of stopped and started and even swung her legs in a way that it looked like she was about to change directions. To say it was frustrating would be an understatement!  I am a naturally fast walker. I almost ran over her at least twice!  She had said the unit was towards the back of the property but didn't tell me where. I wasn't sure where we were going or I might have gone ahead or walked in front.

Imagine trying to follow or even walk with someone when you aren't sure what direction they're going even moment to moment? I'm still mad thinking about it. I never called her back if I'm honest about it. I really don't want to deal with that stress.  Maybe I'm making too much of it, but you weren't there!

Anyway, here's the point to my true story: do the people around you - those relying upon you for direction - know what direction you're going?  Do you look like you're going one way and then swing back the other at the last second?  As men, it's time to stop limping between two opinions, two ways of thinking about ourselves and our God, two ways of thinking about our visions.  We have to get off the fence because there are people counting on us for direction.  There are people who would help us if they only knew where we needed help.  I believe setting direction and casting vision are unique responsibilities of men and in line with the way the Lord has designed us at our core.  Let's not be afraid of that.  Let's take courage and make more decisions.  There is so much power in the simple statement: I'm going this way!  

Do people even know your intended destination?  If not, they might be feeling pretty frustrated right now.  Those who love us are waiting on some of us to have an "...as for me and my house" moment!  I'm sure they love you, so they aren't mad at you.  They might even want to help you get there.  But they have a hard time when you're walking funny instead of walking straight.

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Walking Funny

I was out looking at real estate recently. The agent was walking me to look at condos but she had a funny way of walking. As I followed behind her, I found her extremely difficult to follow because she kind of stopped and started and even swung her legs in a way that it looked like she was about to change directions. To say it was frustrating would be an understatement!  I am a naturally fast walker. I almost ran over her at least twice!  She had said the unit was towards the back of the property but didn't tell me where. I wasn't sure where we were going or I might have gone ahead or walked in front.

Imagine trying to follow or even walk with someone when you aren't sure what direction they're going even moment to moment? I'm still mad thinking about it. I never called her back if I'm honest about it. I really don't want to deal with that stress.  Maybe I'm making too much of it, but you weren't there!

Anyway, here's the point to my true story: do the people around you - those relying upon you for direction - know what direction you're going?  Do you look like you're going one way and then swing back the other at the last second? Do people even know your intended destination?  If not, they might be feeling pretty frustrated right now. I'm sure they love you, so they aren't mad. They might even want to help you get there.  But they have a hard time when you're walking funny instead of walking straight.

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My Motivation

Here's part of my own motivation. I talk a lot about what I believe to be God's calling and imprint on our lives...mine included. However, let me live up to what I tweeted recently and be even more honest and transparent. I want my children to know me as a man who always did the most he could with what he had. I don't want them to feel like I wasted opportunity or money or life. Further, I want them to see me as a living example - an epistle, if you will - to which they can aspire.

I chose an entrepreneurial path because I wanted them to see that as an option for their own lives. That motivated me to launch out when my oldest daughter was around four years old. I didn't want my daughters to have any recollection of their father doing anything except diligently maximizing his time and opportunities - for better or worse. That's pretty much the bottom line.

Entrepreneurship isn't for everyone. Much of it may not be for me! Still, I never wanted them to know me as a man who gave up or settled. No settling! Not ever! I have often felt like I've failed my girls as a man and father. Perhaps other parents have felt the same way? It probably comes with the territory. I don't know. What I do know is I want them to know me as a man who gave all he had - every day.

That's my motivation.

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