Day Eight: "If marriage is so great..."

...why aren't more people getting married?  Why aren't more married people staying married?  I've read in the church the divorce rate is even higher than among non-Believers.  If marriage is so great, what's the deal?"

Very tough question to answer and there’s no way to do it without controversy. Therefore, let me say up from that I really like the way my pastor puts it: you get married to accomplish something greater than either of you could accomplish alone!

Any other answers I give have the potential to sound sexist. Therefore, I’ll do my best to be candid and honest but unbiased.  I urge you not to toss my answers aside if they’re offensive.  They’re only my perspective and they are male…which will itself possibly rub you and your readers the wrong way.  Think about these reasons why people aren't getting married and staying married:

• Many people, especially men, aren’t connected to their purposes enough to realize they need help accomplishing it.
• Some women aren’t connected enough to their purposes to understand their purposes might be connected to a man to be worked on in tandem.
• Sex is very available and a lot of women don’t offer anything more than that - and sex remains a HUGE reason for men to settled down.
• Immaturity, fear and selfishness.
• Christians erroneously think "being saved" is a relationship skill.  It isn't. Men still like womanly women.  Women still like manly men.  There were men and women living and marrying and building lives long before Christ walked the Earth.
• They don’t understand the fullness of life that can come from being in a purposeful.
• People see marriage as being too risky...especially divorcees who feel like they can't afford to "lose" again in love.

So...why am I so "pro-marriage"?  Lots of lots of reasons.  Even though it's tough, I believe we are social creatures who benefit in so many wonderful ways from having companionship and partnership in our lives.  I believe it's an attack of the enemy to isolate us and cause us to think differently.  I believe singleness could be robbing the body of Christ of its witness, its power and its cohesion.   The current "wisdom" relating to marriage is wait...wait...wait...take your time ...wait...wait...wait...and....wait.  We date FOREVER...stay engaged FOREVER and then, finally, stay married half as long as many of the previous generations did.

I think it's time to give the current wisdom the boot and start looking for partners again!


Now, here's something you can for me...

1. Send me your questions and/or post comments below!

2. Join me on Facebook, if you haven't already!

3. Retweet, repost or send this to your friends!

We're building a community and we're dedicated to helping as many people as we can have happier, healthier and more fruitful relationships!!

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Day Seven: "Money in the Bank" (A Very Simple Concept)

Within every relationship there are particular dynamics that show up in their interactions.  Some of these work to “build” the relationship while others work to “damage” or “destroy” the relationship.  How we handle ourselves and one another will determine how things play out in the end.  At some point, if we mishandle people in our lives, they will one day either shut down or walk away.  Pay close attention to the message you are sending.

Think of your words and actions towards another like “money” and the other person being “the bank”.  You are the one who makes both deposits and withdrawals from the bank.  Sometimes, your deposits are huge, sometimes they are not.  Sometimes, you feel very comfortable with your “balance” other times, you overdraw your account with “that bank”; leaving a deficit and fees to be paid in many cases.  Ultimately, in every way, there are “rewards and consequences” for your actions.

This brings us to a question posed by one of our readers, "Is fighting good for a relationship?"

It's a good question.  Maybe even a great one?  I have known couples who like the adrenaline of a good shouting match so much that they look forward to it - along with the makeup sex.  But if the long term damage done outweighs the short term climactic ending, it is likely not the best way to get a thrill.  In the same way, if the words are harmless and the shouting simply a way to express yourself with intense energy, shout away and enjoy your make-up “romp” afterwards.  No harm is done.

Some disagreement is inevitable, but the analogy I've learned from a good marriage counselor is called "The Love Bank" and we have to make sure we're adding more to the bank than we are taking out.  Otherwise, after a while, the bank is empty and the relationship is BROKE!  Every unfair fight takes money out of the bank!  Every criticism takes money out of the bank!  Every unkind word spoken is left in the air for interpretation and can no longer be retrieved.  It is said that it takes ELEVEN compliments to undo the harm done by one criticism!

It makes sense with this concept that we would choose our words more carefully so as to not go “bankrupt” before we have had a chance to build up our account.  In addition, that “deficit” we create will always be “on record”.  We cannot “undo” what has been done.  Sometimes this ends the relationship and others connected to it, other times, it taxes the relationship and adds strain to every interaction following.

In most cases, people do not hurt others intentionally with their words, especially people they genuinely love, but uncontrolled anger has a way of changing the game unlike anything else.  When the fight is over and the two are reflecting, BOTH will be hurting.  One out of “guilt” and the other from “shame or confusion” because the words expressed were likely “inconsistent” with what they understood up until that point.  When someone you love and who you believe loves you says something that cuts you, it usually cuts very deep.  That is the very nature of love and relationship.  We are more significantly impacted by the words and opinions of those we have invested the most in, both by action and intention.

Simple concept then: every time we interact with someone...work, school, church, relationship, parenting...we are either adding equity to the relationship or we are taking it away.  Every word and action will bring about a reaction.  It is good to consider in advance, what do you want to leave with others?  We all have the ability to impact regardless of whether or not the people around you admit it.  You are impacting others all day long by how you are interacting with them.  Do you want to build or tear down? Do you want to damage or restore?  And do you hope to make withdrawals at some point from that relationship that may show up as “insufficient funds” if not handled appropriately?

A lot of times we will stand and look at a person and not even understand how we got where we are but in many cases, we allowed the bank to get low or empty.  We lost sight of the importance of that person in our life and neglected to replenish our account with them.  For us, this will be a very sad day because in many cases, what is done is done and by the time we realize it, it can be too late.  The famous saying is so true, “We often do not know what we have until it is taken from us.”  In its “absence” we find new respect for its value and necessity in our lives.  Hind sight is 20/20.  Unfortunately, it is now the “unchangeable past” we are looking at with such perfect vision.

So here's the challenge...can we all start to appreciate and genuinely compliment the people in our lives more?  Can we take the time to have a thankful attitude towards them and focus on their “value” rather than their “inadequacy” (as we see it)?  Can we express some unexpected kindness?  Can we show grace instead of intolerance?  Can we hold that hug an extra second or two?  Of course we can! 

The amazing thing about learning how to be more of a giver than a taker, more of a builder than one who diminishes, is that it adds VALUE to our own lives.  The rewards of expressing positive emotion and respectful and loving communication go a long way in maintaining our own happy selves  We can never retract what leaves our mouths nor its impact on others AND ourselves.

The more deposits we make, the "richer" our relationships will become!  And when our “banks” are “richer”…so are WE!

Get it?  Banks?  Richer?

Now, here's something you can for me...

1. Send me your questions and/or post comments below!

2. Join me on Facebook, if you haven't already!

3. Retweet, repost or send this to your friends!

We're building a community and we're dedicated to helping as many people as we can have happier, healthier and more fruitful relationships!!

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Day Two: "Effective Communication"

According to John Gray, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.  I'm not 100% sure I buy the analogy all the way through.  I like to see us as all being from Earth and created according to God's wise design.  We are just wired differently.  I don't buy into too much of the talk about how we're only different because of societal programing either!  I don't even think the medical community believes that one anymore. 

Our bodies are different, our brains are structured differently and our chemistries are different.  It's not society that made us so.  We are designed so and these differences present themselves every day in many ways with communication being one of the most important.  We may not be from Mars and Venus, but we certainly don't speak the same language.

Communication is only “effective” if the message intended by the deliverer is understood by the receiver.  Whether or not he/she agrees is another topic altogether. When it comes to men and women, cultivating “understanding” is no simple accomplishment but it “is” possible to bridge the gap between the two.  Here are two keys to add to our communication language that will help everyone.

Men- Be more transparent when talking with women.  This isn't about honesty it's about being authentic and naked.  Not hiding one's true nature.  No pretense.  No masks.  I've found that men (including me) often communicate behind a veneer.  That’s not to say it is dishonest, it's to say that we tend to hide parts of ourselves.  We have to show who we are and what we really think.  How can we expect to find a good fit if we don't show people what they're really working with?  Let her see you for who you really are so that she can make a more informed decision regarding whether or not she can go forward with you.  You do not want someone who is unaware of who you are.

Women- Lead with the headline when talking to men.  Women complain that men don't listen to them and don't communicate.  Sometimes that's true.  Sometimes it's about learning how a man processes information.  Women would have considerably more success talking to the men in their lives if they learn to give the bottom line first and then the details.  This helps him to start with the “real point” and place it as we proceed to go all the way around the issue and back.  He is thinking A…B…C, we are thinking A…A1….A2….A3….B….B1….B2….B3; completely different process of listening and responding.

As for the topic of effective communication in general, here are some guidelines to point you in the right direction:

• Everything you say and do not say, is communicating “something”.
• Effective Communication is something that is “developed” over time. It does not happen overnight. It usually takes concentrated effort.
• Building relationship with another involves being willing to make the adjustments necessary to bring “improvement” to that relationship. Learning how to communicate is part of that process.
• Always remember; body language and vocal tone speak much louder than your words ever will.
• Ask questions to clarify what the other said. Repeat back what “you” understand from what they said and confirm that you are both on the same page.  If you are not, take a deep breath and approach from a different angle.  “Try” to bridge the gap.
• Be patient as you work at understanding one another. 

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Day Six: "Whom Do You Bring Along?"

Yesterday, we wrote on "The Courage to Leave Someone Behind" and I know it really resonated with many people because of the e-mails I've already received.  Outstanding!  I know from your letters that a number of you have been encouraged to leave dead situations and embrace newness and life in your relationships!  This is a great thing and, since you already know I am very, very PRO-RELATIONSHIPS and MARRIAGE, I felt like my work was only half done.

We can't get where we should be by only cutting off people.  We can't regress to the point of isolation.  We can't grow by shrinking.  To have the life and love we all desire, we have to look at making additions instead of only subtractions!  But whom do we add?  Let's go back to the Bible for some clues.


"And the king of Jericho sent word to Rahab, saying, "Bring out the men who have come to you, who have entered your house, for they have come to search out all the land."  But the woman had taken the two men and hidden them..." ~Joshua 2:3-4a (NASB)

"Now before they lay down, she came up to them on the roof, and said to the men, "I know that the LORD has given you the land..." ~Joshua 2:8-9a (NASB)


I am turning to the story of Rahab because she is lifted up as an example of someone who didn't even belong to the covenant of the people of God but BECAME a part of God's people because of her spirit, faith and actions.  She's exalted as an example of faith in the New Testament scriptures (James 2:25 and Hebrews 11:31) more than many others whom we consider patriarchs.  Her name lives forever!  For our purposes, we learn that she was not only brought along as the people of God entered their promise, but she becomes a part of the very lineage of Christ Himself!

What does her story teach us about who should come along with us?  A lot of exciting things!

• The person you should be with will not only believe God, but believe along with you for the promise of God on your life!
• The person you should be with will be willing to take chances in their own life to help you advance in yours!
• The person you should be with will demonstrate loyalty to you.

The person you should be with might have a checkered past, but you can ignore it if their actions show they are committed to living a new way.  Ultimately, you will enter your "best and blessed" place because of them. This applies to men and women both.  I am confident there is a woman who will extend herself where it isn't called for to help "that" man.  I am confident there is a man who will ignore a woman's past and accept "that" woman.  I am just as confident it will not only be deliverance for you, but deliverance for them, as well.  Rahab's belief saved herself and her entire household...giving her a future in the face of certain death.

Those are the people you bring along: the one's who believe in the promise of God on your life.

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Day Five: "The Courage to Leave Someone Behind"

Some people need to be cut off. No closure. No more late night visits. No texting "what's up?" No roads back.  Some connections are much more harmful than helpful!

"Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go forth from your country, And from your relatives And from your father's house... Abram took Sarai his wife and Lot his nephew." ~Genesis 12: 1-5

After going through the story of Lot and Abram in Genesis several times in Genesis 12, it's still not clear whether Abram brought Lot along with him or whether Lot tagged along on his own, but was never sent away.  The verses seem to go back and forth in their indications.  What is 100% clear, however, is that Abram was commanded to leave behind his home, his relatives and everything related to his earthly father's house.  

It's also clear that he didn't heed this command.  Not even a paragraph passes before we see both Abram and Lot riding off into the sunset together.  Their story of entanglement continues.  Lot continues along with Abram like Mary's little lamb. 

In our own lives we have people we've brought along for the ride.  There are also those who tag along - yet we don't kick them off the bus.  Usually, we know they aren't supposed to be there with us, but we keep them around anyway.

This isn't a value judgment.  Just because we shouldn't be in a relationship with someone, doesn't make him or her, a bad person.  Lot was considered to be a good, righteous man.  It says so in the Bible!  Look it up!  This wasn't about Lot being a bad person.  This entire story is about Abram finally developing the courage to trust God at God's word without a safety net.  He eventually got there.  And, it's when Abram got to that place that the Lord really began to speak to him with more clarity.  It's then that the promise truly begins to unfold!

(Side note: This isn't intended to be encouragement to leave a marital relationship.  Seek counseling for that.  In my own life, this principle has meant that I've had to leave friendships and business partnerships behind to experience God's best.)

What do we learn from this history?  How does Lot's story unfold?  What are the lessons here for us to incorporate into our own lives and seeking healthy relationships?  There's so much here.  In the interest of time and space, I'll be brief:

• When the Lord calls you to go forth, you can do it!  He might send you companionship, but press on whether He does or not.
• Not everyone belongs in your life...even if they are good people.
• Be intentional about your relationships.  Even friendships should be purposeful and productive.
• When the wrong people are with you, tension is inevitable.
• There's a way to separate: be as communicative and as peaceable as possible.
• The presence of some people hinders our ability to hear God's voice clearly.
• When we demonstrate the courage to leave toxic relationships behind, blessings open up to us.

Lot's story ends with his daughters committing incest with him...giving birth to the Moabites and the Ammonites from this unholy union.  These are two of the same nations who have been either antagonistic towards or actively at war with Israel ever since!  The Lord reminds His people not to even allow them into the Assembly because they not only didn't help Israel when they were coming out of Egypt, but even attempted to curse them!  Read the passage!  If you want to have some fun, do a little research on Ammon and Moab.  Abram brought many of Israel's troubles with him because he didn't have the courage to leave Lot behind. 

What do you take from the story of Abram and Lot?  I'd love to get your feedback!

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Day Four: "His Needs, Her Needs: The Top 5 Things a Man NEEDS!"

This follows our entry from yesterday focusing on the top 5 things a woman needs from her husband.  I'm biased, but I like this one more!!

Before I jump in, let's recall the primary premise.  (If you're a woman reading this, you liked it yesterday.  You said "Amen!" so don't go silent on me now!!)  The premise is this: a need is a NEED.  It will be fulfilled or damage the person if they don't get it fulfilled.  I've said before to think about these like water - you can live without it, but not very long.  And when he doesn't have it, a man will normally go get it.  Take that however you want.


Let's get to the list!

#1 SEXUAL FULFILLMENT:

"The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband's need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife's need for affection. This need in men is so strong that it must be satisfied -- in or out of the marriage. When a man binds himself in marriage, he makes the assumption that his wife will be available to him sexually. If that is not the case, it it sets the stage for an affair -- which will be destructive to the marriage."

#2 RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP:

The need to have fun with his partner is the second need Harley identifies for men. As already stated, we often put our best foot forward in the courtship and this is anotherarea where there may be disappointment after the "I do". "Why don't you do this with me anymore?" is a common lament. Harley cautions wives that having fun together doing the things that you both like is essential to the marriage. "Men place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions."

#3 AN ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE:

"A man with a need for an attractive spouse feels good whenever he looks at his attractive wife. In fact, that is what emotional needs are all about. When one of his emotional needs is met he feels fulfilled, and when it's not met, he feels frustrated. It may sound immature or superficial, but I've found that most men have a need for an attractive wife. They do not appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone. They appreciate the way she looks."

#4 DOMESTIC SUPPORT:

He needs peace and quiet. There may be a cultural change/demand that says that men need to take more responsibility in the home for domestic chores, but most men are not embracing this change. The male has a deep need for his wife to "take care of things" -especially take care of him.

#5 ADMIRATION/RESPECT:

HE NEEDS HER TO BE PROUD OF HIM. Why do males have this need? Admiration energizes and motivates a man and he often expects his wife to be his most ardent fan. He needs to be appreciated for what he IS, not for what he COULD BECOME. While criticism causes men to become defensive, his wife's encouragement enables him to become more confident and achieve much more.

Let's take it back to the top.  These are needs.  These are not wants.  I can talk about each a lot more if you send me a question.  I'm ready!!! LOL

PS - Respect is NOT love.  Period.

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Day Three: "His Needs, Her Needs: The Top 5 Things a Woman NEEDS!"

I talk about this book so much you might think I consider it a fifth gospel.  Not quite, but it did help me to understand some differences between needs and wants more clearly.  Specifically, I have to respect a need and meet it.  Wants may be met when it's feasible, convenient or on some schedule that both agree upon on.  However, needs are needs!  For a husband to doing his duties, he must be handling these.

They might change in order from woman to woman.  There might be one that is different on one woman's list than another's. Yet, after stacks and stacks of research, Dr. Harley (and others) have concluded that wives are going to NEED the following.  If a need is starved, the person will suffer until they have two choices...die or find a way to meet the need.  Think is these like food and water.  Most people, if starving, will get to the point of throwing their morals out the window to get something to eat if they're nearing death.   

So...let's get to it! From "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley...

#1 AFFECTION:

"Physical affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval."

Affection is important in its own right and it has nothing to do with sex. Affection says "I Love You" without "I Lust For You." Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, touches, gifts, back rubs, affectionate words, etc. all fall under the category of affection. Harley says that the "typical male" sees affection as foreplay to sexual encounters and is normally aroused by affectionate physical gestures. A man who growls, 'I'm not the affectionate type' while reaching for his wife's body to satisfy his desires for sex, is missing a chance to meet one of her deepest needs.

#2 CONVERSATION:

We usually put our best foot forward before the marriage and are trying to get acquainted with each other as well as letting the other person know how much we like them. In order to do both, we are usually engaged in a lot of conversation; Long talks at night; Long conversations on the telephone; Walks where we tell each other about ourselves.

After the wedding, we know about each other and the conversations we used to enjoy seem to be very limited or come to an end altogether. Harley says that men do not seem to need conversation, but women seem to enjoy conversation for its own sake. The most satisfying conversation is one that focuses on getting to know each other, showing an interest in each other, and discussing topics of interest to both. It is important that she feel a genuine interest and caring for her.

Harley says that the average woman needs 15 hours of quality conversation a week.

#3 HONESTY AND OPENNESS:

"A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs…To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future."

#4 FINANCIAL SUPPORT:

"Humorous anecdotes abound on women who marry men for their money, but my counseling experience has taught me not to treat this tendency as a joke. In truth, a woman does marry at man for his money -- at least she wants him to earn enough money to support her as well as (or better than) her father did when she was growing up."

#5 COMMITMENT TO FAMILY:

"A woman has a powerful instinct to create a strong family unit. They want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to be a good father. This means having "good family time" and playing an active role in raising the children."

Let this image sink into your mind for a moment as you go through list.  A woman starved for communication might be ready to gnaw her own arm off to get some!  

A wise man will keep these in mind as he endeavors to love and serve his wife.  A wise woman will be attentive to whether she is deficient in any of these areas and let it be known in her attempts to respect and serve her husband.

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"31 Days to Healthier Relationships"

Why a series on healthier relationships? 

“At the very core of our being, men & women are DIFFERENT!”

This is not necessarily a “bad” thing but it requires knowledge and understanding to bridge the gap between the two genders.  And through this “bridge” we can become most effective as individuals and as couples.

I believe unhealthy relationships are robbing us of our purpose, prosperity and sense of fulfillment in the family of God.  Everyone needs to have three things working for them to live the kind of life the Lord has meant for them: (1) Knowledge of His word (2) Knowledge of their purpose in Him and (3) Knowledge of how to have and maintain healthy relationships with their fellow man, both male and female!

Through “Live BIG! Die Empty.” I help people to understand their purpose, live with passion and walk in prosperity. As a “teacher” I help people learn the Word of God through Bible studies and other outreaches. Through “Be Worth Finding” and “He Who Finds a Wife”, I focus on healthy relationships. 

I have stayed away from the "relationship" thing for the most part because I always thought there was too much room for humanistic opinion, bitterness and men using it as a platform to be opportunistic with women.  I wanted no part of any of that! But I saw a lot of people in unhealthy relationships losing ground in their lives, living in loneliness and isolation and generally not experiencing God's best.  I just reached a point where it rose up in me and I said, Enough!!

So, my partner in this quest, Melissa Rich and I are working together on this series.  For the month of December, we are setting out to focus on one key to healthier relationships per day.  Our goal is to help men and women enter into 2012 with more effective tools and understanding in how we relate to one another.  For the next 31 days beginning on December 1, we want to use our words to hold up a mirror.  Some of what you see will reflect nicely on you, however, some will sting a bit and leave you with a challenge to rise up and make some adjustments so that you can begin having more meaningful relationships. This will be fun!

How are we measuring success? We simply want to know that...

• People are being helped.
• That your lives are becoming more fruitful.
• That hurts are being healed.

You can help us in three ways!

• Pray for us.
• Recommend our pages to your friends...men and women!
• Stay connected to our blog daily, make notes and ask questions!

Now, get your notepad and questions ready.  We'll be posting to this blog and sharing everything at “He Who Finds A Wife” and "Be Worth Finding” and you can send questions to beworthfinding@gmail.com or if you want to send your questions anonymously, use our Be Worth Finding Formspring account.

We are so glad you are joining us!

~Mark Anthony McCray and Melissa Rich~

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Learning to Love God's Way by Melissa Rich

(In conjunction with “Become What You Desire”)

I hate using the preface “as Christians”, because it can be so wrongly placed but "As Christians", the greatest commandment is

A. Love the Lord your God with all your heart... and

B. Love your neighbor as your "self".

This is FOUNDATIONAL to EVERYTHING else in our lives... EVERYTHING. It is confused sometimes since in order to love another, we must first learn what it means to love God and then learn what it means to both be loved by Him and to love ourselves.

Love is not a "soft" word by any means. It is so often misunderstood.  A person who has poured themselves out in love will know this all too well. Love takes risks and gives, not based on what is deserved but based on what it has to offer.

If God is "love" then we can see so many facets of love that are overlooked in our personal relationships too often, both friendships and otherwise. Love is a "commitment" word. A person who is in pursuit of loving God and learning to accept His unconditional love for them will learn also to love others and will show evidence of it; and those who are on that path will also recognize it and be drawn to it.

I am building from the bottom up, without self-love and respect; there will be nothing to give another. These are foundations we must build personally if we are to have healthy, Godly, lasting relationships.

LOVE THAT STOPS PROGRESSING IS DEAD: As "Christians", we "owe" this love to one another because God first loved us. We are commanded to love, as "He" has freely loved us. Love does not use, abuse or squander another for its own gain, no matter what. It does not take revenge or demand to always be right. It does not point the finger outward but it looks inward and concerns itself with pleasing "God" not man or oneself.

I personally do not think that learning "true" love is the easiest thing to do because true love puts a demand on the deepest part of us; but it is absolutely possible if we are willing to grow. It asks us for things we are not already doing and giving and it moves us to "willingly" give what we would never have given before. Love is always "progressive" it never stops developing and expanding; when it does, it is no longer alive.

LOVE WAS ALWAYS INTENDED TO BE “GIVEN”: I don't believe we are to pour ourselves out to just anyone, anywhere without wisdom but I do believe there are places and times where God requires us to give because "He" gave, not because we are keeping score.

Though I have never been married, I would dare say, learning how to give freely as a "personal choice" understanding the value of "giving freely" to what is likely to be the most significant relationship in your life, is one of the most important components to both peace and unity in a home. It is also amongst the greatest investments you will ever make in your life. It assumes the best of the other and keeps bitterness out.

Love was always intended to be "given". And this love gives because it “can” not because it “has” to. It gives because it finds true joy in fulfilling the needs of another. A person who has learned to love like this does it because they believe in the value of giving freely without expectation. They understand that all things cannot be measured with the natural eye. If it is the man God has given you, it is a no brainer, pour it out. He’s your personal garden to tend to. 

I understand this is a somewhat “foreign” concept, but think about it. To be so free as to be able to be a blessing to the ONE man that God has assigned you to be a “helpmeet” to and to do that with all your heart and without reserve. To have the freedom of heart, mind and soul to be able to be the “wife” that God has called you to be, to uphold that “role” with the utmost integrity and sincerity regardless of whether or not you “feel” like it. Marriage is not a party, it is a “partnership” and each has been given roles by “God” to fulfill in that partnership.

A PURE HEART: With this premise of "Love", we are to think, view and respond to others from a "pure" heart, not one of malice and bitterness and a person who has been hurt, violated in particular ways whether it was before they were old enough to choose or if it was after, may need to work on their own heart before having the capacity to be in a relationship where they have something to truly give and where they understand themselves enough to be able to communicate their own thoughts and needs without intense emotion, manipulation and/or unrealistic expectations.

I believe we unconsciously attract who we really are (whether we know ourselves well or not) so if we are "stuck" in the past, we could likely end up with someone who is also "stuck" in the past and the two together are a recipe for disaster.

If we lived in a “perfect” world, we would already have been prepared for this level of relationship in marriage and we would easily move into it without reserve; but since we do not, these are things we must approach “intentionally” in our lives. If you are “reserved” when you consider being a “helpmeet” and you have a “defensive” response to everything anyone says about “submission” and being a “helpmeet”, there is a very good chance that you are either 1. Emotionally unhealed from former abuse and/or 2. Misinformed as to God’s original design for marriage and the family.

At the end of the day, in order to experience the best of what God intended for marriage, we must be our personal best as wives. I understand that the “men” have their own issues and I will leave that to the “men” to deal with; as for “us ladies”, let’s challenge one another in our views towards men and marriage. This bitterness and anger is perpetuating generations of the same. Learning to love as God loves is the only chance we may have at experiencing something better for our future than what we have experienced in our past.

~Melissa Rich~

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"Become What You Desire" by Melissa Rich

(In conjunction with, “Learning To Love God’s Way”)

Becoming a woman of excellence and value begins with making decisions that “build” your life, rather than tearing it down. We often find ourselves in relationships that are destructive and wonder how we keep ending up there. Somehow, once we have been in the relationship for a while, we can easily see very clearly what the “other” person is doing wrong but it is often difficult to see our “own” dysfunction which led to yet “another” hurtful and disappointing relationship. In this article, I will speak to “single” ladies specifically who are hoping to be married one day and who desire Godly relationships.

FOUNDATIONS: Foundations are always primary when it comes to any issue. Where we are working "from" is going to determine what we have to offer and how we offer it. Our "history" will always either teach us the greatest lessons or stunt us in the most debilitating ways. In everything we must first look at "God" as our primary example, "ourselves" as the only person we have the ability to change, and allow the "right" voices into our lives to help us develop into the healthiest person possible.

RESPECT- WE CAN’T GIVE OR RECEIVE WHAT WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND: First, we can never pretend that treating others badly or trying to manipulate them is acceptable; NO MATTER WHAT someone else did to you, because God is our example and we are not judge. We should treat ALL people with respect, including ourselves, even when they disrespect us.

There is a difference between disrespect and drawing a boundary. We can say, "No that is not okay with me" without insulting or creating drama, while still maintaining self-respect in the way we communicate. We should never lower our own selves to disrespect another just because we feel disrespected by them. That is "reactive" emotion and it only makes you become like the person who upset you.

Maintain your "own" standard of how you treat others, regardless of how they treat you and don't keep them close if they do not know how to treat you with the courtesy and respect you deserve as well. (I'm not saying pamper you, which is an entirely different desire.) Give respect and expect respect. It is a two way street, but first we must learn how to respect ourselves. We can never give or require what we do not yet understand.

GETTING MARRIED IS NOT HARD AT ALL, BUT STAYING MARRIED…: Ladies, we need to learn how God views us and align our own thoughts of ourselves to "His". In this, we also become women after His own heart; who live and act in a way that will attract the right kind of men and give us a clear sense of which ones are not right for our future.

I have always believed that “getting married” is not hard at all, getting married to a man I will always be "growing" with is not as easy. And staying married seems near impossible these days, but it is not. Being single and a little lonely or desirous is far better than being married to the wrong man, bound by covenant, and miserable, but either way, misery is often within, not without so if you are not happy single, you will likely not be happy married. Work on “yourself”. 

ADDRESS YOUR PAIN: If we want something of value in our lives, we need to become something of value. In this particular case, I am defining value to mean emotionally and spiritually mature. Someone who holds themself to a standard that makes them a “good” potential mate. We need to be real with ourselves and face those deep places where we store our pain. We need to be willing to "go there" and address our anger, bitterness, resentment and wounds as it relates to God, men and our understanding of love and relationships.

We can have a relationship instantly but that only leads to continual heartache. It is better to take our time preparing ourselves for the relationship we "desire" and no, this does not come as easily because many hold pain and heartache that block that man from coming. Fear of intimacy keeps us hooking up with men who simply aren’t long term material for us. If the right man came, we would likely drive him off anyway.

Emotional health goes a long way in knowing who is going to be good and right for your life.  If you have a lot of pain related to relationships, you likely need a season of rest from them to heal and get your head and heart straight. Jumping from one to the other will only keep you from seeing the real issues but ultimately, it keeps YOU unhappy and unfulfilled.

THE DECISION IS YOURS ALONE: Sweet sisters, that short term "fix" you get from being held by a man and caressed; that short lived bliss is perpetuating your pain. It is keeping you lonely even when you are with someone and it is keeping you broken when you desire wholeness and true love.

Evaluate your relationships, your choices and your life and ask yourself if the decisions you are making are helping you long term? Are they getting you where you truly desire to go? Do you even believe there is something better? Ask God to help you believe in "His" promise for a future filled with “hope”. And, are the choices you are making leaving you feeling empty or fulfilled? Eliminate the ones that are harmful to you. Only you can make those decisions. Spend some time with yourself and become the most complete person you can.

MAKE DECISIONS THAT BUILD YOUR LIFE: Emotionally "whole" people attract, recognize and desire emotionally "whole" people. It may take longer to get there but if we look ahead, we will see that we can work a little longer and harder for a future of hope or we can keep doing what we are doing and establish that we are willing to live in this same pain forever. It isn't easy, it isn't simple and it isn't an overnight process but it is absolutely "yours" to decide.

Ladies, value yourselves enough to become respectable women in your own eyes. Too many of us disrespect ourselves and then wonder why men do the same. We teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. We are responsible and held accountable for all our own decisions. Leave those men to God; they are not yours to measure.

This is God's heart and desire for you, that you would look forward to your future, that you would believe Him that there are good things ahead for you and that you would live your life as the very best person that you are capable of being.

Becoming a woman of excellence and value begins with making decisions that “build” your life, rather than tearing it down.

~Melissa Rich~

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