I'm posting this for a friend. She asked me why divorced exes seldom, if ever, get back together. Research shows the number to be somewhere around 4% to 6% of couples remarrying one another. In my friend's mind, the kids would be better off and that makes it not only okay but necessary. Aside from those couples who divorce and marry each other two or three times, why doesn't it happen more?
I'm not sure why it doesn't happen more but offered her these thoughts:
- Your Ex has to want to restore the marriage. This rarely happens.
- Both people have to grow and mature. This rarely happens.
- The growth people experience needs to be in the same direction - It normally isn't when they're in different environments, churches and circles of friends for months or years. Practically-speaking, many times exes begin to become strangers after the divorce.
- There is usually some recognition that you should have/would have chosen someone else the first time around.
- In some cases, there is so much acrimony that you really do need a fresh start. Dealing with an angry Ex becomes a daily reminder of failures and can be too much weight for a new relationship to carry and reinforces poor patterns.
Every credible marriage counselor will tell you that you don't "go back" but you should start over learning that person again. Dr. Phil might say something like "You can't ever put the toothpaste back into the tube." At some point you look at the person and determine that you would all be better off going another way.
Most important, in my view, is each person has to be able to truly forgive. Most Believers only pay lip service to this. I've done enough lay counseling (a lot more than most people think) to tell you that 80% of most peoples' current problems are related to their unwillingness to forgive someone in their past.
What do you think? Should exes come back together? If so, how can they do it? Have you ever remarried your Ex?
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