Day 23: A Gentle and Quiet Spirit- Setting the Tone in Your Home"

By Melissa Rich

I suppose being married to the wrong kind of women could be compared to a man wearing very tight pants that are so restrictive that every step reminds him of his discomfort. He needs room to BREATHE.

A PEACEFUL HOME:

I spoke with a woman recently. She has sat in counsel with two specific married couples where the men were weeping because they loved their wives and didn’t want to leave but they were miserable. Both of them said, “I love you but I can’t live like this anymore. I just want peace.”

No man or woman wants to live with someone who continues to be a raging storm, unpredictable or worse, easy to predict because they are always upset or discontent with something. Simply put, this man can’t fix you so if you are not working on your own demeanor and emotional growth, it will begin to wear on him. He may stay, but he will be even more emotionally unavailable. I am NOT advocating men leaving their wives, we are never advocating this. All that we say is with the intentions of helping marriages to stay TOGETHER.

A gentle and quiet spirit does not mean we do not have a voice; it means that we have learned how to hold our tongue and submit our concerns to the Lord before trying to address them in the natural, that we pursue peace with God and that we cultivate a peaceful home.

LOSE THE “RESENTMENT FILE”:

Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth will speak so however you cultivate and maintain your peace will determine what your overflow is. If your spirit is agitated and you have a list of things saved up in your “resentment file”, they will eventually come out. When they do, it will likely not be pretty. Lose the “resentment file”.

Learn how to bring things before the Lord and leave them there. Let go and stop trying to control everything, including him. This will go a long way in keeping your marriage happy. Choose your battles and don’t make everything into “an issue”.

TONE MATTERS:

It is not hard at all to push a man away with your words or your tone. Not hard at all to cause him to shut down. Across the board, most men would sooner withdraw than to confront or banter. It’s just not in their general design to make every conversation a marathon. The sooner a solution can be reached, the more comfortable they are.

Tone matters. The way you choose to approach him and/or respond is going to make all the difference in the way he responds to you. You do not get to determine the way he responds or judge it. Allow him to speak and/or think it over. Learn “him”, specifically and always, always speak with and show respect. He will respect you more if you speak to him in a mature and respectful tone and attitude. Otherwise, you may lose your audience before you get your first sentence out.

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WISELY:

Assume up front that a man will be very sensitive to the words and/or criticisms -of the woman he loves until she crosses the line. He’s not likely to give you a second chance to humiliate him, choose your words and actions wisely. Once spoken, words cannot be retrieved. If there is damage done, it may not be repairable especially if the man feels humiliated by your words. It isn’t that he will necessarily up and leave you, but he may begin to withdraw. And the more you press him, the more he withdraws. He’s not likely going to say, “Honey, you really hurt me by your words”. He’s just going to do what he needs to do to avoid that pain again. Most men are not verbal processors; they introspect and then move on, often without verbalizing. Give him that freedom but watch his responses to your interactions. Learn to read him. Choose your battles wisely and pray about EVERYTHING.

TIMING MATTERS:

It is important to listen to the Holy Spirit in your relationships as well to learn that man so you can know when is or is not a good time for him. What time of day or week is good for him? You can even ask him as a means to get to know him better. Don’t approach him with something significant when it is not the right timing. Learn when to let some things go or to ponder them in prayer until you have a release from the Holy Spirit to address it.

In the end, it isn’t about you or him; it is about God’s purpose for marriage and family. Interesting that God set things up so that we would need to "involve Him" in order to succeed. It isn’t who you are on the outside that will set the tone in your home. It is the inner beauty of the heart that will cause your husband and children to rise up and call you blessed and he will praise you. A gentle and quiet spirit is just as much for “you” ladies as it is for your husband and home. What cannot be addressed in words can always be addressed in prayer. Marriage is a beautiful thing, if we invest ourselves appropriately.

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Day 22: "Loyalty, Unity & Boundaries"

By Melissa Rich

I saw this on a post of one of our readers the other day. It describes what I am about to talk about PERFECTLY!

A relationship should be between
(^_^) & (^_^)
NOT ---> (^_^) & (^_^) + (-_(-_(-_-)_-)_-)

I once heard a married woman counsel that you should never tell other men/women you & your man’s business because they may take opportunity when they see the two of you struggling and when your marriage is vulnerable. You just never know. Be wise.

Loyalty

You will not always agree, nor will everything always be perfect but loyalty is still possible even amidst imperfect times. The marriage cannot stand if the two attach their loyalties outside the covenant of marriage. There is a power in that bond and commitment not even just to each other but to the “whole” of who the two of you now are. Marriage requires a sense of abandonment to one another. You leave and cleave. Now everything stays within that circle. (Obviously excluding any type of abuse).

Once you have entered into that “one flesh” realm, things change. You are now bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. As we said on Day 20, you are now two parts to a whole. Your first priority after God is your husband/wife. From that relationship, everything else flows. Having complete resolve in your heart now that you will be taking on a new role; your allegiance will always come back to him/her.

Unity

One flesh is one flesh. There is no “you” and “I” any longer. It is now “we” in everything because the two are now, “one”. There will be times when you aren’t even sure you agree but you cover the “marriage” because everything that is about him/her is still about you. Protecting the marriage now becomes intentional. You fully understand that by acting against him/her, you act against the covenant you have agreed to. You have to retrain your brain to hesitate before making decisions sometimes without considering the “whole”. It is a new life. A new way of living in every way and that will also require a new way of thinking and acting. Learning to be one takes a mind shift. Unity doesn’t come without intention. It is purposeful.

Boundaries

Cover one another’s nakedness, don’t expose it.

Learn to be quiet, prayerful and introspective. There are some things that just should never be said or repeated. As tempting as it may be, refrain from calling your sister, aunt, mother, best friend every time something does not go your way or every time you are just upset in general. If there is going to be loyalty and unity, the two must have each other’s backs. Remember your loved ones will take sides and long after you and your spouse have resolved they will still have too much information about your relationship.

Your marriage is a binding covenant. It is protected by the terms of that agreement. When the agreement between two is broken in any way, it puts the marriage at risk. Always have each other’s backs not allowing anything in to break that barrier of unity you have between you; unless “by agreement” you invite an additional person/s in to your situation for counsel.

Marriage is a “team”. Loyalty, Unity & Boundaries are team principles. We do not need to wait until marriage for some of these habits to be formed.

From the moment two people say, “I do”, they become subject to the binding laws of marriage. They become one flesh. The Bible is clear, we “leave and cleave”. It is a new world; a new life, new guidelines and especially, new benefits. Having loyalty, walking in unity and maintaining proper boundaries with those outside your marriage will do more for your marriage than all the talking in the world. Learn to trust God and one another if you want the union to grow stronger and be secure.

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8 Keys to Talking to Men

No great build up to this blog. It's been a long week already and I'm tired. To jump right into the point, I got a question that I thought was very intriguing: How can I talk to a man without hurting his ego and so he will hear me?

Awesome question! It deserves a response.

First, a note to the men: It's hard. I know you'd rather be test driving a new car or sawing something, but learn to give her a few minutes without being prompted, asked or begged. Also, listen without judging...listen without criticizing...and listen without trying to solve the "problem" whatever it may be. In other words, part of the communication piece is on us, too. We have to make it easier to deal with us.

This reminds me of maybe the best "relationship" scripture ever written!

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger." ~ Proverbs 15:1 (NASB)

When someone is heated, more heat will only spark a fire. Try going the other way the next time. Answer gently. Don't meet her words (even if she's angry) with more anger. Now you've just got two people yelling and no people listening.

We can so much more peace if we just learn how to "dial it down" instead of "dialing it up" every time things get intense. The Holy Spirit is a good guide in this. He is often in our spiritual ear saying "Don't go there!" when we take the time to listen. I know! I've heard Him. I've also ignored Him - so I know what I'm talking about. It's better when you listen!!!

Finally, guys, some conversations can't be avoided no matter how distasteful they are. Not only must we be courageous to have the tough talks, but sometimes we need to initiate them. I've had to learn a lot in this area and I still have a lot of growing to do. Sometimes the emotion and heat of a situation make you just want to avoid it altogether. Sometimes I'd rather be anywhere else in the world than talking about (feeling like we're talking about) all the ways I suck at life! You can make it through. Communication is necessary!

Many times we men will avoid talking until everything is absolutely at the boiling point. Not good!

Now...how do you talk to a man? Here are some tips in no particular order. But if you follow some of these, I know he'll thank you for it!

1. Break it down into bite-sized pieces. Most men don't process as much raw data as most women. Our brains are wired differently. There aren't as many synapses between the left and right hemispheres in men's brains. That means he'll have a harder time processing information that mixes emotion and data at the same time.

2. Don't require him to respond immediately. Men like to think through their thoughts before responding. He may not even know his thoughts yet. Give him some time to search things out. When you do, everyone wins. I've rarely seen pressing a guy to talk before he's ready work out very well.

3. Be clear. No code. No guesswork. No "if he loved me, he'd know what I was thinking!" allowed. He doesn't know what you're thinking! You change your own mind often! How is he supposed to keep up? If he's supposed to know, tell him!

4. Don't assume you know what he's thinking. Just like he's not a man, he's not a woman. He doesn't think the way you think. His mind sees the world differently. We've talked about this before! You might think he sees the details you see, but you're likely missing some perspective that he has, as well. Grace!

5. Set an appointment. If you know it's going to be a tough topic, don't spring it on him. Set an appointment. Say to him "Hey, let's talk about whether we should let Pookie move in with us soon. Can we do it Tuesday evening?" That's much better than either A) having Cousin Pookie already on the couch when he gets home from work Tuesday or B) a screaming match about how much he doesn't like your family anyway.

6. Don't wait until you're boiling over. Don't wait until the situation needs emergency repair. If there's a leak, let him know before the pipe bursts. (If you were clear and he does nothing about it, that's on him). What I've seen a lot is women will wait until they are PAST the point of no return to bring up certain issues. Then there's often nothing anyone can do.

7. Talk during an activity. A lot of men listen and engage better while doing some activity. It's been said that "Men bond shoulder-to-shoulder while women bond face-to-face" and I've found this to be true. One great way to talk to him is while doing chores, mowing the lawn, cleaning the garage, etc. Try it!

8. Be safe. The main reason a lot of men don't talk to you is they are concerned about the backlash from sharing their true feelings. I've said myself that men can often tell two versions of the truth. The "true" truth and the version he knows you can handle. A lot of guys feel stupid, disrespected and looked down upon when they share what they really think. Work on being safer to talk to.

Talking to men can be difficult if you don't understand how they are wired. Talking to men is difficult for other men, too, because we really just don't talk that much anyway. Even if your guy is very verbal, he still may not be comfortable or good at sharing thoughts, feelings, or sentiments.

What do you think?   Do any of these surprise you?  What have I missed?

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful.

All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
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For more information on Mark as a speaker or presenter check out http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/p/about-mark_29.html

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Day 20: "Oneness"

By Melissa Rich

God will challenge you more than any human being ever will.

Why do I say this? Because He is the only One who knows what you are really made of. He is the One who put that capacity in you. He is the One who designed you.

What does this have to do with relationships? EVERYTHING!

I have come to realize that when God asks you to do something, He also meets you there and adds to what you have to offer. He never asks for what you do not have, but He asks for all that you do and then He fills in all the gaps. Growing in the ability to listen to that still small voice is one of the greatest keys to better relationships because He will act as a personal coach…if only you will listen and heed His voice.

Every principle has a promise. God’s truths are packaged in love and yet, He is a God of justice.

For the past few days, I have really been pondering the whole concept of giving and receiving. I have been pondering the mindsets that people have about relationships in general, including but not limited to marriage. I have been pondering the reasons why people hold back instead of giving freely all that they have to offer. And I have been pondering the love of God and how it all comes together. I was reminded how we are one body but many members and how the two shall become one. With that thought, I posed the question on BWF this morning:

If the Bible says "the two shall become one", why is it that so many married people continue to try and be "two"?

If we truly believed that we were hurting “ourselves” when we acted in a particular way towards another, we would likely not act that way. If we could really catch the true concept of being “one body” and when married…“just one”, we might respond differently. Loving your neighbor as “yourself” takes on a new meaning entirely.

So this is where I landed in my thoughts as it relates particularly to marriage and the things God is showing “me” about preparing myself for marriage. The thing is, what He requires of me in every area of my life is more than what is being challenged outwardly. God doesn’t require just compliance, although there are times for just compliance; He knows that agreement yields better fruit. Agreement, oneness, unity.

Jesus set the example of how to serve one another, how much more in marriage if you have made the decision to “covenant” with that person? One does not need to be married to understand that this principle applies also to the marriage relationship, maybe even more so than it does with less significant relationships.

Think with me here for a moment about the idea of “oneness” and the importance of understanding what “unity” really is and how that changes everything about the way we approach one another. We are no longer interacting with a separate being we are interacting with a “limb” from our own body. And when married, everything we do impacts the “whole” of who the “two” are as one. Let me say again, when married, being that we are now “one flesh”, everything we do impacts the whole of who the two are as one. This means that whether building or tearing one another down, you are impacting your own self equally. When one part hurts, the whole hurts.

I knew this was what I was going to post on today and then I just happened to stumble upon a post response from one of our partners Jerry Kelley this afternoon. He was talking about the word “tzela”. What he said was that you are not just a rib, you are a side or sidewall, the whole side of Adam, not just a single bone. The term implies an equality with the whole, or another equally important bearing wall on the opposite side. Then he said, “Of course man can live without one or two ribs, but not without half of his body…The Creator did not intend that the man would be however independent from his “rib” but that he would be incomplete without her and she without him…”

This alone gives an entirely different perspective on what it means to be “one” for both sides. But my point being in all of this, we need to really remember how much it harms “us” when we withhold what God has placed in us. When we withhold something that He has given freely to us and especially when we withhold that from our spouse (when that time comes).

What I have learned while writing for this page is that God is setting a standard of conduct. He is preparing hearts. Mine being first and I am just sharing what He shows me openly; the standard He has shown me and how we, simply put, can enjoy the fruits that God intended in our relationships if we would only learn how to love God, love ourselves and then as an extension of “that” love relationship, we are well able to love another. And the amazing thing about extending ourselves to another is that it is the principle of sowing and reaping. If our heart remains open, it doesn’t matter what that person does, we still gain something more from giving because whether or not they give back, we are still a part of that which we either gave to or withheld from.

Romans 12:5 So in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

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S-E-X (Part One)

Confession...there really isn't a Part Two yet, but people always send me questions and comments after I post about sex, so I'm allowing myself a placeholder!

When I wrote about the Top 5 Needs for men, some people were shocked to see "Sexual Fulfillment" at the top of the list. Guys cheered! Some women felt demeaned. Some responded with a loud "Amen!" Mostly, I get questions from women asking "what is good sex to a man?"

As a reminder, here's a portion of what Dr. Harley wrote before:

"The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband's need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife's need for affection. This need in men is so strong that it must be satisfied -- in or out of the marriage. When a man binds himself in marriage, he makes the assumption that his wife will be available to him sexually. If that is not the case, it it sets the stage for an affair -- which will be destructive to the marriage."

In fact, I was in a conversation about this just the other day. I think sex is so important to a man than he only has two options if he isn't getting good sex at home: get it elsewhere or wish he was getting it elsewhere and live a miserable life. It is much, much easier for a woman to live a sexless life and be content. It is much, much easier for men to be manipulated by sexual desire. So much so that a lot of men are just ticking time bombs if his need isn't being addressed at home.

But what is good sex?

I can summarize my theory of good sex to a man for his wife in one sentence: Most husbands want their wives to be about five times freakier than they are right now. Period. Five times. He just doesn't know how to tell you. However freaky you think you are right now, multiply it and you'll be closer to what he desires. It's not about frequency all of the time. It's about unrestrained enthusiasm. He doesn't need it every day if he can remember the last time for a week!

Allison Armstrong said good sex is the best 15 minutes a married woman can invest into her life. It improves the marriage, the family, the finances and your spiritual lives all at once...and doesn't take that much work on her part.

I agree 100%!!!

Now...here's another good point about sex. Dr. James Dobson said a couple who isn't having sex at least three times a week is LAZY!

So get on your jobs!!! LOL

Seriously. There was a couple who wrote a book about having sex every day for a year. I think he's somewhere on an IV drip now, but I applaud the effort! Not sure I could go there, but once a month ain't going to work either.

So this is for the married couples obviously so far. If you are single and want to make sure your married sex is terrible, keep having sex right now. Or, you can keep your pants up and you'll send me a "thank you" later. You're welcome.

Send me some questions...let me know what we can write about. This is fun!

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What Does a Good Man Look Like?

This post was written much later in the day than I normally post. I've struggled with the thought about how to identity a good man - and how to help men develop into better men. I wanted to lean on the scriptures very heavily and provide kind of a 1-2-3 roadmap to becoming a better man, a man of God. I feel like I failed. I've spent a couple of days going through stories about Ahab and Boaz and David and Joseph and Solomon and others. I've read about unnamed prophets, kings and other representatives of the kingdom of God for models.

I found a lot of deeply flawed characters.

In fact, only Joseph gets away without any criticism. Even then, a lot of modern teachers will try to inject some into his story and find fault where the Bible doesn't indicate any. Yet even looking at Abraham, Moses, Isaac, Jacob, David, etc., you find a lot of despicable acts, doubts, crimes and general nastiness. It's really remarkable how God used so many folks who had so skeletons in their closets.

That's where I finally found my definition of a "good man" that I could go with. Because what is the common denominators between all these men? What qualities bind them together in the history of the faith? Maybe if we can hone in on a few of them, we can learn more about what it is to be a true man of God in our times?

1. A good man follows God's purpose for their lives no matter the cost. A good man will pass up temptations to get off path with his life. He will be focused. He will be determined to do what the Lord has placed on his heart. This is not about ministry; it's about purpose. It's about design. A good man will fight to be who he was created to be. It might look ugly, but he will be unbending and that is admirable.

2. A good man walks in humility. The bottom line is most good men don't consider themselves to be that good. If you find a guy who's committed to pronounce his own greatness, I'd advise you to run the other way! I've said it before, a proud man doesn't learn and he sure doesn't care about receiving advice. He won't listen to his wife, either. Chuck Swindoll once said that a man who won't listen to a godly wife is a fool. I agree. A good man listens to wise counsel.

3. A good man never gives up on God or themselves. A good man keeps going even when suffering setbacks. You see, when you go through the life stories of the patriarchs you see as much failure as you see success. One thing you never see is quitting. You'll see repentance and promises made to the Lord to be better and do better - even remorse up until their deaths in some cases. A man of God doesn't stay down when knocked down or when he falls. He doesn't stay down when it's his own failing that put him down. A good man gets up tomorrow.

When you have such a man, you have someone special. He'll still screw up, disappoint you, forget important dates, act insensitive. What he won't do is stop trying to get better. He may not be Prince Charming. But Prince Charming is a fairy tale. Real men have done and still do nasty things from time to time. But praise God for them. We need them and their energy and their drive and their courage more than ever.

Even with all that said, I'm sure most of our readers care most about where these men are hiding. Another day...

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5 "Green Lights" for Men!

I tend to write most (and best) when I'm perturbed about something. Today is one of those days! What has me sitting here in wonderful Houston, Texas fuming? Red flags!! Red flags everywhere! Everywhere you turn, relationship gurus, coaches and experts are blogging and speaking about "red flags" - their tired way of talking about qualities you should look out for in the opposite sex to tell you to STOP!!!

I hate it. I hate it. I can't say that enough. Too much negativity!! Too many reasons to tell people to back out of relationships. Too damned many out clauses! I hate it. I'm tired of it. It's crap and it's killing healthy relationships to have people focused so many on warning signs instead of talking about what to look for - the green lights!

Let me get to the point. Here are things I believe a man should be looking for in a woman. I've keep it general for the most part so as to not descend into something that looks like a too personal wish list. I've written about the "lists" that men and women create before! I'll cover the other side next - what qualities we men should be developing in ourselves.

Here's my list. I had help. Based on what I've studied in God's Word, here are some things to seek out in a woman and reasons to proceed!! I wrote a little on this yesterday and I have a little more to add. Tomorrow, I'll be writing about what to look for in a man!

1. A Humble Servants Heart (Rebekah) - I've written about this before because I love her story. Rebekah demonstrated so much heart, humility and generosity that it impressed me tremendously. This has become one of the things I most look for and most admire in women.

2. Courage to Take Risks (Rahab) - Is any woman from the Old Testament mentioned as much in the New Testament as Rahab? I'll have to check. She was promised that she'd be famous for the ages for her courage and she is! She laid everything on the line to follow God's plan and it became salvation for her and for all of us! (This is Boaz' mom, by the way!)

3. Diligence (The Virtuous Wife) - An organized industrious woman is a rare jewel to find! No offense to anyone reading, but I've found the Proverbs 31 woman hype to be out of control. So much self-labeling from my sisters... I guess I'm okay with it from an aspirational point of view. She sets a high standard for sure. I've always appreciated her example.

4. Strong in the Faith (Timothy's Mother) - Timothy might be the only person (certainly in the New Testament) who's encouraged to live up to the faith of his mother!! In 2 Timothy 1:5 how powerful of Paul to recognize Timothy's mother and grandmother! It also shows that it is very possible for a woman to help raise her sons right since there is no evidence of Timothy's father being around or a factor in his development. Some suggest this is why Paul is drawn to him so much. But even Paul reminds his protege of the example shown to him by his matriarchs.

5. Respect (Sarah) - The Bible says (Peter, in fact, instead of the so-called misogynistic Paul) that Sarah obeyed Abraham...calling him lord. I know very few like that scripture but I didn't make it up. It's in there! In context, we see that Peter knows that this kind of reverence is a scary thing - and the right thing. A single woman should not be "obeying" a single man. A married woman shouldn't be deferring to anyone except her OWN husband. Still, we can see whether any of these things are going to be a problem long before marriage if we have any discernment.

Also, what's really a red flag anyway? I'd be willing to bet that most of the things labeled as such are "pink" at best - things that can be worked out, talked through or just ignored after a while. I challenge the definition at it's core. Think about it. Don't you get to a better place anyway if you become more focused on identifying the genuine instead of spotting a fake? You'll also appreciate what you have more when you find it.

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Testimony from a reader: "The Courage to Leave Someone Behind"

We wanted to share this testimony from one of our readers...


Hi Mark,

I read your response! Thanks for that perspective. As I read that response, I was drawn to another link (Day 5 of the series 31 Days to Healthier Relationships- "The Courage To Leave Someone Behind") you posted on your page because it was something I had to do recently.

Talk about the Lord speaking to me through scripture, a dream, wise counsel, prayer and fasting....all of which confirmed what I knew I had to do in my heart. Believe me, it was not easy. We had been friends for almost 4 years and there was potential for marriage and all that, but he "could not hear from God" and wasn't ready to commit to me.

Another issue was that we operated under the guise of "best friends" but everything about our interactions was more like people in a relationship. It was a convoluted bundle of emotional confusion, constant need to establish boundaries, take breaks, etc... What kind of friendship needs all of that?

So I got the courage to end the friendship entirely. I am in a new season, new city, new career and I just felt it in my heart that I can't bring the old with me. Based on our cycle of dysfunction, I knew that we would have an argument or something irritating would happen at least within 2-3 months.

One of the scriptures that spoke to me was 1 Corinthians 13:11 - when I was child, I spoke and thought like a child.....but now that I am [grown] I put away childish things". Then also Hebrews 12: 1- 3 "Cast aside every weight and every sin that snares....and run the race that is set before you..." The final scripture that God spoke was in Genesis 20, when God asked Abram to sacrifice Issac on the altar. I am doing a one year bible study and how about the day I was scheduled to read Genesis 20, I just "so happened" to be talking about that passage with a friend earlier that day? I didn't know what was next in my study...but when I turned to it, there it was....

After I made the decision, I then saw a series of teachings and messages that helped to confirm and encourage me in my decision. Your reference to Abram and Lot was among the scriptures that I saw AFTER I made the decision to obey God. You are actually the 2nd person I know of that used that scripture to explain when God calls for a divine separation. The first person was Pastor Toure Roberts...

This word blessed my socks off because it was confirmation. So your blog was definitely confirmation.

I tell you, I am learning the blessing in obedience! Even when Saul tried to bring a sacrifice to the Lord, Samuel rebuked him saying "obedience is better than sacrifice" meaning - the highest form of worship in God's eyes is obedience. He doesn't care about your songs, your monetary offerings, etc. more than he does our obedience. If we will obey God completely, it will bring us the greatest outcome. When I look back at the last 2 years of my life and the friendship I had, to be honest, I would not have missed anything. There was no good fruit from our friendship the last 2 years and if I had obeyed God the first time he spoke to my heart, I could have saved myself a lot of time, energy and heartache. But I thank God.....I learned my lesson with a counterfeit and not the real thing!

I heard a word of encouragement just this past Sunday on the topic of mistakes. The pastor referenced Peter in the text and the fact that God knew he was going to fail (where Jesus said "Satan wants to sift you like wheat") but still designed his future/destiny knowing that the mistake would be made, yet gave him a favorable outcome (e.g. became an apostle of the gospel). The clincher in the message was that Jesus said, in reference to the mistake, - "I pray that your faith will not fail you". I am not doing this message any justice in the simple way I am writing it, but I hope you can see what I am trying to say.

Alright! Thanks again for your blog. Leaving behind friendship and relationships are not easy....but indeed they are necessary at times....

God Bless.

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An Honest Letter to My Sisters

from Mark Anthony McCray

I wasn't going to post on this today.

I had an online conversation last night and seeing the posts on Be Worth Finding and He Who Finds a Wife this morning steered me in this direction. Frankly, I struggled to sleep last night because I have so much on my mind these days about so many issues. This is one of them. I hear you loud and clear! Many of my sisters in Christ want to be married. You want a husband. I want to tell all of you that your day is coming, but I know that's not true. Statistically, many of you will not get married...or remarried. That's just a fact. If you're already 35 or older, the chances fall waaaaaaaay down if you believe the reports. I do.

However, I don't believe the statistics have to apply to YOU if you get what I'm saying. Just because something is true on the global level doesn't mean it has to be true on the individual level. I believe there are attitudes and dispositions that can make a woman much more likely to be courted by a good man for a serious marital commitment. LOL That's a lot of words to say "a good man will cherish you enough to propose" I guess!

I've written about this before and I'm going back to it again. If you look at Genesis 24, you'll find the story of Abraham and Isaac in terms of the decision being made to find Isaac a wife. Looking at verses 1-14 you'll find Abraham sending his servant out to look for a good woman. Interesting. Even more interesting is that the servant was wise enough to ask God what to look for in a woman. I love it! Let's look at what happens...

Rebekah Is Chosen

15 Before he had finished speaking, behold, Rebekah who was born to Bethuel the son of Milcah, the wife of Abraham's brother Nahor, came out with her jar on her shoulder.
16 The girl was very beautiful, a virgin, and no man had had relations with her; and she went down to the spring and filled her jar and came up.
17 Then the servant ran to meet her, and said, "Please let me drink a little water from your jar."
18 She said, "Drink, my lord"; and she quickly lowered her jar to her hand, and gave him a drink.
19 Now when she had finished giving him a drink, she said, "I will draw also for your camels until they have finished drinking."
20 So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, and ran back to the well to draw, and she drew for all his camels.
21 Meanwhile, the man was gazing at her in silence, to know whether the LORD had made his journey successful or not.
22 When the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold ring weighing a half-shekel and two bracelets for her wrists weighing ten shekels in gold,
23 and said, "Whose daughter are you? Please tell me, is there room for us to lodge in your father's house?"
24 She said to him, "I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son of Milcah, whom she bore to Nahor."
25 Again she said to him, "We have plenty of both straw and feed, and room to lodge in."
26 Then the man bowed low and worshiped the LORD.

What a story! There is so much that impresses me here as we look at how Rebekah became one of the matriarchs of the faith. There is so much here that, I believe, applies to us today. Many women are attractive, but very few will gain the attention of a quality man - the kind of man they say they want. Rebekah did, however. That's why I love her story. Here are some of the things I've picked up from her tale:

1. Rebekah was not actively out looking for a man. She wasn't trying to be found. She wasn't attending seminars on how to be sexier. She wasn't interested in running game on the playas. Rebekah was about her own business...

2. Rebekah was approachable. It would have been well within her abilities to totally ignore the servant. She also wasn't haughty. She didn't go with the "how dare you" routine or make it hard to learn about her personal life (within reason) even...

3. Rebekah was generous. The servant didn't approach until she had her water already...yet she didn't tell him "go get your own" but she shared what was hers...

4. Rebekah was consumed with service. She went beyond "beyond" by serving his camels. She didn't say "here's my jar. Do it yourself. I'm tired!" But she far exceeded the call. As a point of fact, the Bible says she went about helping quickly and even ran! How many people do you see who run to help someone else?

What was the result? Stunned silence at first. Worshipping God in thanks at the last. What was her outcome? Stability, wealth and a place among the great Matriarchs of the faith.

Forgive the extra-long blog. I just thought it was interesting. I am not suggesting that you let dudes live with you on your couch, pay for all your dates or loan Pookie some cash until he gets on his feet. HOWEVER...There is a LOT to be said for a woman who is kind, giving, patient and concerned for someone's well-being outside of her own. That's all I'm saying. I think this story is a tremendous model. A gentle smile and a little kindness will go a long way. Men are always watching and assessing. Just like the Servant. What do men see when they look at you?

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