Day Ten: “7 Genuine Reasons Why He May Not Have Taken the ‘Plunge”

By Mark Anthony McCray

We had a saying back home that went like this, "Never tug at fruit that isn't ripe. It's hard to get off the tree and even if you do get it down, it's going to be bitter!"

I'm really excited about this topic. It gets very personal for me plus it's a topic about which I get perhaps the most questions. Almost every day someone in our audience wants to know why he hasn't proposed, committed to being exclusive, set a date for an actual wedding, etc. It goes without saying it's a highly frustrating situation for a lot of women. Many are disappointed that he hasn't even asked her for a DATE or for her phone number! There's a mutual spark or some chemistry, but nothing's happening!! Why???

I've got some ideas. I'm a guy, but I think I can be balanced and unbiased. I'm going to let my brothers off the hook a little bit on some of these...

1. He is selfish. If he is able to get some or all of the benefits of a relationship with you, why go forward with more? There is no question there are men who will take as much as they can take while giving as little as possible in return. It's human nature. As much as I want to stand up for my brothers, I have to be honest. If this is his thing, tell him you might be noticing a pattern and give him a chance (or eight) to change. No efforts at changing? You probably have to ask him to get back in touch with you later! Some people call this the "too many options" argument. I'm not too quick to buy into that, but I can't deny it either. I get the feeling that this is where most of my readers will stop reading and the only reason they care about!! But I continue...

2. He is still too wounded himself and honestly doesn't want to hurt you. (He might actually be thinking about YOU!) This is the case where a man KNOWS he isn't ready to give you want you want and need and doesn't want to string you along or set you up for disappointment. I've seen this, a lot. I've behaved this way myself keeping certain people at arms-length. Sometimes I've explained why and sometimes not. Suffice to say you don't want to force it. If he isn't moving towards you, there might be an honorable reason why not.

3. He is still dealing with the shock and awe of being "available" again. Divorce is initiated by the woman over 80% of the time and “infidelity” is NOT the #1 reason...nor is "violence" as reported by women. "I outgrew him" in some combination of "I wanted more" is the #1 reason given. Many men are going to spend some time in shock wondering how their relationship could have died. He's numb. Let him regain feeling from the shock.

4. He doesn't trust you. This one I've got to place on some women. Sure, there are men who don't trust anybody, but it could also be you. I'm sad to say that, but I'm being honest. If you approach your interactions with him solely on the basis of what you can "get" he's not going to trust you. This would be funny to me if it weren't so sad. In my own life, I see this more times than I can count. Women approach me, but never ask me anything about myself, my wants, desires or vision. NEVER! Very few have even asked me how I'm doing at any given time. It doesn't anger me. I don't care. It's just a signal that's all. It's a sign that she's not interested in anything except what she wants from the interaction.

5. Getting serious with you appears to be too risky and he perceives that he's already lost so much. Depending upon his age, he might feel like he can't afford to lose again. If it's true that it takes men longer to recover emotionally, spiritually and financially (up to seven years) than women, some men are going to be reluctant. I'm not saying being with you, dear reader, IS too risky. I'm just saying it looks like it. I'm not even saying he should see you as risky. He just does. I happen to think you can help with that, but we'll have to explore that topic another day.

6. Perhaps mostly, he might not feel like you can handle all of that garbage from his past. This one I've seen a hundred times, maybe more. His life might be so ugly financially and in terms of old relationships that he's not certain YOU can handle it. He's starting over, cleaning up messes and generally trying to the do right things. He loves and respects you, but wonders whether you can deal with all those realities from his previous life. I've also heard women tell me to tell men "I can handle it!!" and that he doesn't need to have everything together to be with her. I don't think most men are getting that message.

7. He's trying to walk in integrity and in right relationship with God. If he's just trying to have that alone time to be with God and get clarity, let him have it. There are some guys in this category. He sees you, likes you, but doesn't make a significant move. Agonizing! Well, it might be for him, too. He might be feeling a leading to hold off for the time and season. It's a lonely walk to be alone and with God only. But it's necessary at times. Frankly, I'm more concerned about a man who can't let him-self be alone. You should be, as well.

From a woman's point of view, a lot of this is going to read like a load of manure. I get that. I know sometimes the guys are just offering excuses. (Funny how many excuses being celibate will eliminate!) Not every guy is scared, selfish or a casual excuse-maker, however.   Just wanted you to think about that possibility.  So…what can you do about it? What can he do about it so everyone can move forward into healthy relationships?

Please add your comments and thoughts. Mostly I want every reader to know that it isn't always personal. You are not flawed or unattractive because he hasn't moved as quickly as you want or thought he would. A lot of times he's just working some things out in his own mind and spirit. I'd encourage you to let him.

As always, we encourage you to…

1. Post your comments below or join the page and discussion at: https://www.facebook.com/BeWorthFinding

2. Email questions to: beworthfinding@gmail.com

or anonymously on Formspring: http://www.formspring.me/beworthfinding

3. Re-tweet, re-post or send this to your friends!

We are building a community and are dedicated to helping as many people as we can to have happier, healthier and more fruitful relationships. We hope to hear from you!

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Day Nine: "Are You Worthy of My Heart?"

By, Melissa Rich

This was inspired by a situation and scenarios that I see far too often. When in turmoil, people begin to bite and devour one another and even those they have professed "love" for. In pain, people often forget themselves and say things they would never say if they were not in an emotionally weakened state; but the damage may already be done by the time the two resolve and what has been set in motion cannot be undone.

So often when many of us think of relationships, we think of "ourselves" and what "we" can get out of it but great relationships are not built with two people who are only in it for themselves. Too often people forget that no matter how we unfold this scenario, we are called to love one another and however we choose to do that, it is a "responsibility" regardless of what "level" that relationship is at and/or if it has now dissolved.

Different relationships involve different levels of commitment but when we speak of marriage and a relationship of that magnitude, we want to remember that with that person's commitment and trust, we have signed up to also protect. So with that said, let us ask this question...

Are you worthy of my heart?

I am speaking to men AND women here. Do you know how fragile an “open” heart really is? Do you have what it takes to nurture it and care for it tenderly and with deep concern? I’m not talking about broken people, I’m talking about people who open their heart to love and trust another human being and that person shatters their trust. Are you worthy of my heart?

Do you understand that even though I may appear strong, the very fact that I have committed my life to you is an indication that you can likely hurt me deeper than any other human being on the face of the earth? Your words cut deeper and your “looks” pierce my soul. I have freely given you the secrets of my heart, soul and mind. I have permitted you to see my imperfections and inadequacies. I have laid myself bare before you and you know my every flaw. Are you worthy of my heart?

I spent late nights talking with you and sharing my deepest fears and most painful experiences. I let my guard down enough for you to see that, I too bleed. I trusted that you could handle not only my strength but also my weakness. I gave you an open door to my thought process and intentions. I shared with you my deepest dreams and desires. I showed you the window to my soul and now I feel naked before you. Are you worthy of my heart?

An open heart is the most fragile thing on the earth. When one entrusts their deepest self to another expecting that things will always and forever remain as they are when the decision was first made. To open my heart and offer you a very unique place that only one human being will hold is an honor. Do you see it as such or do you take it for granted? Do you know how to love in such a way that you grasp the significance of an open heart? Have you experienced enough true love in your life to understand the responsibility that you are taking on when you encourage an open heart? Are you worthy of my heart?

Both, men and women, under God, need to really consider and understand that depth and validity of loving with God’s heart. When a person opens their heart to you, you now have a responsibility to protect what GOD has entrusted to you, whether the relationship continues or not. Understanding how deeply God values that individual and how seriously He takes it when we treat one another carelessly. To overlook such a simple thing is to forget the very basics of who we profess to be. The love of God covers, it doesn’t expose and traumatize. It enfolds and protects, it doesn’t pretend to have no responsibility. Are you worthy of my heart?

So before you run out and fall in “love”…ask yourself these questions:

• Do you know how to protect and cover another persons’ nakedness?
  
• Can they be naked and not ashamed with you…even when you are angry with them or when they have somehow offended you?
  
• Can they trust you with the part of them that when mishandled can undermine their entire being?
  
• Can you be trusted with a human heart?
  

Each one of us must ask ourselves this question. It isn’t about what you can get from another person, they have needs too...

Can you and are you willing to be responsible with the seriousness that comes from someone giving you their heart?

Are YOU worthy of “THEIR” heart?

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Day Eight: "If marriage is so great..."

...why aren't more people getting married?  Why aren't more married people staying married?  I've read in the church the divorce rate is even higher than among non-Believers.  If marriage is so great, what's the deal?"

Very tough question to answer and there’s no way to do it without controversy. Therefore, let me say up from that I really like the way my pastor puts it: you get married to accomplish something greater than either of you could accomplish alone!

Any other answers I give have the potential to sound sexist. Therefore, I’ll do my best to be candid and honest but unbiased.  I urge you not to toss my answers aside if they’re offensive.  They’re only my perspective and they are male…which will itself possibly rub you and your readers the wrong way.  Think about these reasons why people aren't getting married and staying married:

• Many people, especially men, aren’t connected to their purposes enough to realize they need help accomplishing it.
• Some women aren’t connected enough to their purposes to understand their purposes might be connected to a man to be worked on in tandem.
• Sex is very available and a lot of women don’t offer anything more than that - and sex remains a HUGE reason for men to settled down.
• Immaturity, fear and selfishness.
• Christians erroneously think "being saved" is a relationship skill.  It isn't. Men still like womanly women.  Women still like manly men.  There were men and women living and marrying and building lives long before Christ walked the Earth.
• They don’t understand the fullness of life that can come from being in a purposeful.
• People see marriage as being too risky...especially divorcees who feel like they can't afford to "lose" again in love.

So...why am I so "pro-marriage"?  Lots of lots of reasons.  Even though it's tough, I believe we are social creatures who benefit in so many wonderful ways from having companionship and partnership in our lives.  I believe it's an attack of the enemy to isolate us and cause us to think differently.  I believe singleness could be robbing the body of Christ of its witness, its power and its cohesion.   The current "wisdom" relating to marriage is wait...wait...wait...take your time ...wait...wait...wait...and....wait.  We date FOREVER...stay engaged FOREVER and then, finally, stay married half as long as many of the previous generations did.

I think it's time to give the current wisdom the boot and start looking for partners again!


Now, here's something you can for me...

1. Send me your questions and/or post comments below!

2. Join me on Facebook, if you haven't already!

3. Retweet, repost or send this to your friends!

We're building a community and we're dedicated to helping as many people as we can have happier, healthier and more fruitful relationships!!

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Day Seven: "Money in the Bank" (A Very Simple Concept)

Within every relationship there are particular dynamics that show up in their interactions.  Some of these work to “build” the relationship while others work to “damage” or “destroy” the relationship.  How we handle ourselves and one another will determine how things play out in the end.  At some point, if we mishandle people in our lives, they will one day either shut down or walk away.  Pay close attention to the message you are sending.

Think of your words and actions towards another like “money” and the other person being “the bank”.  You are the one who makes both deposits and withdrawals from the bank.  Sometimes, your deposits are huge, sometimes they are not.  Sometimes, you feel very comfortable with your “balance” other times, you overdraw your account with “that bank”; leaving a deficit and fees to be paid in many cases.  Ultimately, in every way, there are “rewards and consequences” for your actions.

This brings us to a question posed by one of our readers, "Is fighting good for a relationship?"

It's a good question.  Maybe even a great one?  I have known couples who like the adrenaline of a good shouting match so much that they look forward to it - along with the makeup sex.  But if the long term damage done outweighs the short term climactic ending, it is likely not the best way to get a thrill.  In the same way, if the words are harmless and the shouting simply a way to express yourself with intense energy, shout away and enjoy your make-up “romp” afterwards.  No harm is done.

Some disagreement is inevitable, but the analogy I've learned from a good marriage counselor is called "The Love Bank" and we have to make sure we're adding more to the bank than we are taking out.  Otherwise, after a while, the bank is empty and the relationship is BROKE!  Every unfair fight takes money out of the bank!  Every criticism takes money out of the bank!  Every unkind word spoken is left in the air for interpretation and can no longer be retrieved.  It is said that it takes ELEVEN compliments to undo the harm done by one criticism!

It makes sense with this concept that we would choose our words more carefully so as to not go “bankrupt” before we have had a chance to build up our account.  In addition, that “deficit” we create will always be “on record”.  We cannot “undo” what has been done.  Sometimes this ends the relationship and others connected to it, other times, it taxes the relationship and adds strain to every interaction following.

In most cases, people do not hurt others intentionally with their words, especially people they genuinely love, but uncontrolled anger has a way of changing the game unlike anything else.  When the fight is over and the two are reflecting, BOTH will be hurting.  One out of “guilt” and the other from “shame or confusion” because the words expressed were likely “inconsistent” with what they understood up until that point.  When someone you love and who you believe loves you says something that cuts you, it usually cuts very deep.  That is the very nature of love and relationship.  We are more significantly impacted by the words and opinions of those we have invested the most in, both by action and intention.

Simple concept then: every time we interact with someone...work, school, church, relationship, parenting...we are either adding equity to the relationship or we are taking it away.  Every word and action will bring about a reaction.  It is good to consider in advance, what do you want to leave with others?  We all have the ability to impact regardless of whether or not the people around you admit it.  You are impacting others all day long by how you are interacting with them.  Do you want to build or tear down? Do you want to damage or restore?  And do you hope to make withdrawals at some point from that relationship that may show up as “insufficient funds” if not handled appropriately?

A lot of times we will stand and look at a person and not even understand how we got where we are but in many cases, we allowed the bank to get low or empty.  We lost sight of the importance of that person in our life and neglected to replenish our account with them.  For us, this will be a very sad day because in many cases, what is done is done and by the time we realize it, it can be too late.  The famous saying is so true, “We often do not know what we have until it is taken from us.”  In its “absence” we find new respect for its value and necessity in our lives.  Hind sight is 20/20.  Unfortunately, it is now the “unchangeable past” we are looking at with such perfect vision.

So here's the challenge...can we all start to appreciate and genuinely compliment the people in our lives more?  Can we take the time to have a thankful attitude towards them and focus on their “value” rather than their “inadequacy” (as we see it)?  Can we express some unexpected kindness?  Can we show grace instead of intolerance?  Can we hold that hug an extra second or two?  Of course we can! 

The amazing thing about learning how to be more of a giver than a taker, more of a builder than one who diminishes, is that it adds VALUE to our own lives.  The rewards of expressing positive emotion and respectful and loving communication go a long way in maintaining our own happy selves  We can never retract what leaves our mouths nor its impact on others AND ourselves.

The more deposits we make, the "richer" our relationships will become!  And when our “banks” are “richer”…so are WE!

Get it?  Banks?  Richer?

Now, here's something you can for me...

1. Send me your questions and/or post comments below!

2. Join me on Facebook, if you haven't already!

3. Retweet, repost or send this to your friends!

We're building a community and we're dedicated to helping as many people as we can have happier, healthier and more fruitful relationships!!

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Day Two: "Effective Communication"

According to John Gray, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.  I'm not 100% sure I buy the analogy all the way through.  I like to see us as all being from Earth and created according to God's wise design.  We are just wired differently.  I don't buy into too much of the talk about how we're only different because of societal programing either!  I don't even think the medical community believes that one anymore. 

Our bodies are different, our brains are structured differently and our chemistries are different.  It's not society that made us so.  We are designed so and these differences present themselves every day in many ways with communication being one of the most important.  We may not be from Mars and Venus, but we certainly don't speak the same language.

Communication is only “effective” if the message intended by the deliverer is understood by the receiver.  Whether or not he/she agrees is another topic altogether. When it comes to men and women, cultivating “understanding” is no simple accomplishment but it “is” possible to bridge the gap between the two.  Here are two keys to add to our communication language that will help everyone.

Men- Be more transparent when talking with women.  This isn't about honesty it's about being authentic and naked.  Not hiding one's true nature.  No pretense.  No masks.  I've found that men (including me) often communicate behind a veneer.  That’s not to say it is dishonest, it's to say that we tend to hide parts of ourselves.  We have to show who we are and what we really think.  How can we expect to find a good fit if we don't show people what they're really working with?  Let her see you for who you really are so that she can make a more informed decision regarding whether or not she can go forward with you.  You do not want someone who is unaware of who you are.

Women- Lead with the headline when talking to men.  Women complain that men don't listen to them and don't communicate.  Sometimes that's true.  Sometimes it's about learning how a man processes information.  Women would have considerably more success talking to the men in their lives if they learn to give the bottom line first and then the details.  This helps him to start with the “real point” and place it as we proceed to go all the way around the issue and back.  He is thinking A…B…C, we are thinking A…A1….A2….A3….B….B1….B2….B3; completely different process of listening and responding.

As for the topic of effective communication in general, here are some guidelines to point you in the right direction:

• Everything you say and do not say, is communicating “something”.
• Effective Communication is something that is “developed” over time. It does not happen overnight. It usually takes concentrated effort.
• Building relationship with another involves being willing to make the adjustments necessary to bring “improvement” to that relationship. Learning how to communicate is part of that process.
• Always remember; body language and vocal tone speak much louder than your words ever will.
• Ask questions to clarify what the other said. Repeat back what “you” understand from what they said and confirm that you are both on the same page.  If you are not, take a deep breath and approach from a different angle.  “Try” to bridge the gap.
• Be patient as you work at understanding one another. 

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Day Six: "Whom Do You Bring Along?"

Yesterday, we wrote on "The Courage to Leave Someone Behind" and I know it really resonated with many people because of the e-mails I've already received.  Outstanding!  I know from your letters that a number of you have been encouraged to leave dead situations and embrace newness and life in your relationships!  This is a great thing and, since you already know I am very, very PRO-RELATIONSHIPS and MARRIAGE, I felt like my work was only half done.

We can't get where we should be by only cutting off people.  We can't regress to the point of isolation.  We can't grow by shrinking.  To have the life and love we all desire, we have to look at making additions instead of only subtractions!  But whom do we add?  Let's go back to the Bible for some clues.


"And the king of Jericho sent word to Rahab, saying, "Bring out the men who have come to you, who have entered your house, for they have come to search out all the land."  But the woman had taken the two men and hidden them..." ~Joshua 2:3-4a (NASB)

"Now before they lay down, she came up to them on the roof, and said to the men, "I know that the LORD has given you the land..." ~Joshua 2:8-9a (NASB)


I am turning to the story of Rahab because she is lifted up as an example of someone who didn't even belong to the covenant of the people of God but BECAME a part of God's people because of her spirit, faith and actions.  She's exalted as an example of faith in the New Testament scriptures (James 2:25 and Hebrews 11:31) more than many others whom we consider patriarchs.  Her name lives forever!  For our purposes, we learn that she was not only brought along as the people of God entered their promise, but she becomes a part of the very lineage of Christ Himself!

What does her story teach us about who should come along with us?  A lot of exciting things!

• The person you should be with will not only believe God, but believe along with you for the promise of God on your life!
• The person you should be with will be willing to take chances in their own life to help you advance in yours!
• The person you should be with will demonstrate loyalty to you.

The person you should be with might have a checkered past, but you can ignore it if their actions show they are committed to living a new way.  Ultimately, you will enter your "best and blessed" place because of them. This applies to men and women both.  I am confident there is a woman who will extend herself where it isn't called for to help "that" man.  I am confident there is a man who will ignore a woman's past and accept "that" woman.  I am just as confident it will not only be deliverance for you, but deliverance for them, as well.  Rahab's belief saved herself and her entire household...giving her a future in the face of certain death.

Those are the people you bring along: the one's who believe in the promise of God on your life.

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Day Five: "The Courage to Leave Someone Behind"

Some people need to be cut off. No closure. No more late night visits. No texting "what's up?" No roads back.  Some connections are much more harmful than helpful!

"Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go forth from your country, And from your relatives And from your father's house... Abram took Sarai his wife and Lot his nephew." ~Genesis 12: 1-5

After going through the story of Lot and Abram in Genesis several times in Genesis 12, it's still not clear whether Abram brought Lot along with him or whether Lot tagged along on his own, but was never sent away.  The verses seem to go back and forth in their indications.  What is 100% clear, however, is that Abram was commanded to leave behind his home, his relatives and everything related to his earthly father's house.  

It's also clear that he didn't heed this command.  Not even a paragraph passes before we see both Abram and Lot riding off into the sunset together.  Their story of entanglement continues.  Lot continues along with Abram like Mary's little lamb. 

In our own lives we have people we've brought along for the ride.  There are also those who tag along - yet we don't kick them off the bus.  Usually, we know they aren't supposed to be there with us, but we keep them around anyway.

This isn't a value judgment.  Just because we shouldn't be in a relationship with someone, doesn't make him or her, a bad person.  Lot was considered to be a good, righteous man.  It says so in the Bible!  Look it up!  This wasn't about Lot being a bad person.  This entire story is about Abram finally developing the courage to trust God at God's word without a safety net.  He eventually got there.  And, it's when Abram got to that place that the Lord really began to speak to him with more clarity.  It's then that the promise truly begins to unfold!

(Side note: This isn't intended to be encouragement to leave a marital relationship.  Seek counseling for that.  In my own life, this principle has meant that I've had to leave friendships and business partnerships behind to experience God's best.)

What do we learn from this history?  How does Lot's story unfold?  What are the lessons here for us to incorporate into our own lives and seeking healthy relationships?  There's so much here.  In the interest of time and space, I'll be brief:

• When the Lord calls you to go forth, you can do it!  He might send you companionship, but press on whether He does or not.
• Not everyone belongs in your life...even if they are good people.
• Be intentional about your relationships.  Even friendships should be purposeful and productive.
• When the wrong people are with you, tension is inevitable.
• There's a way to separate: be as communicative and as peaceable as possible.
• The presence of some people hinders our ability to hear God's voice clearly.
• When we demonstrate the courage to leave toxic relationships behind, blessings open up to us.

Lot's story ends with his daughters committing incest with him...giving birth to the Moabites and the Ammonites from this unholy union.  These are two of the same nations who have been either antagonistic towards or actively at war with Israel ever since!  The Lord reminds His people not to even allow them into the Assembly because they not only didn't help Israel when they were coming out of Egypt, but even attempted to curse them!  Read the passage!  If you want to have some fun, do a little research on Ammon and Moab.  Abram brought many of Israel's troubles with him because he didn't have the courage to leave Lot behind. 

What do you take from the story of Abram and Lot?  I'd love to get your feedback!

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Day Four: "His Needs, Her Needs: The Top 5 Things a Man NEEDS!"

This follows our entry from yesterday focusing on the top 5 things a woman needs from her husband.  I'm biased, but I like this one more!!

Before I jump in, let's recall the primary premise.  (If you're a woman reading this, you liked it yesterday.  You said "Amen!" so don't go silent on me now!!)  The premise is this: a need is a NEED.  It will be fulfilled or damage the person if they don't get it fulfilled.  I've said before to think about these like water - you can live without it, but not very long.  And when he doesn't have it, a man will normally go get it.  Take that however you want.


Let's get to the list!

#1 SEXUAL FULFILLMENT:

"The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband's need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife's need for affection. This need in men is so strong that it must be satisfied -- in or out of the marriage. When a man binds himself in marriage, he makes the assumption that his wife will be available to him sexually. If that is not the case, it it sets the stage for an affair -- which will be destructive to the marriage."

#2 RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP:

The need to have fun with his partner is the second need Harley identifies for men. As already stated, we often put our best foot forward in the courtship and this is anotherarea where there may be disappointment after the "I do". "Why don't you do this with me anymore?" is a common lament. Harley cautions wives that having fun together doing the things that you both like is essential to the marriage. "Men place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions."

#3 AN ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE:

"A man with a need for an attractive spouse feels good whenever he looks at his attractive wife. In fact, that is what emotional needs are all about. When one of his emotional needs is met he feels fulfilled, and when it's not met, he feels frustrated. It may sound immature or superficial, but I've found that most men have a need for an attractive wife. They do not appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone. They appreciate the way she looks."

#4 DOMESTIC SUPPORT:

He needs peace and quiet. There may be a cultural change/demand that says that men need to take more responsibility in the home for domestic chores, but most men are not embracing this change. The male has a deep need for his wife to "take care of things" -especially take care of him.

#5 ADMIRATION/RESPECT:

HE NEEDS HER TO BE PROUD OF HIM. Why do males have this need? Admiration energizes and motivates a man and he often expects his wife to be his most ardent fan. He needs to be appreciated for what he IS, not for what he COULD BECOME. While criticism causes men to become defensive, his wife's encouragement enables him to become more confident and achieve much more.

Let's take it back to the top.  These are needs.  These are not wants.  I can talk about each a lot more if you send me a question.  I'm ready!!! LOL

PS - Respect is NOT love.  Period.

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Day Three: "His Needs, Her Needs: The Top 5 Things a Woman NEEDS!"

I talk about this book so much you might think I consider it a fifth gospel.  Not quite, but it did help me to understand some differences between needs and wants more clearly.  Specifically, I have to respect a need and meet it.  Wants may be met when it's feasible, convenient or on some schedule that both agree upon on.  However, needs are needs!  For a husband to doing his duties, he must be handling these.

They might change in order from woman to woman.  There might be one that is different on one woman's list than another's. Yet, after stacks and stacks of research, Dr. Harley (and others) have concluded that wives are going to NEED the following.  If a need is starved, the person will suffer until they have two choices...die or find a way to meet the need.  Think is these like food and water.  Most people, if starving, will get to the point of throwing their morals out the window to get something to eat if they're nearing death.   

So...let's get to it! From "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley...

#1 AFFECTION:

"Physical affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval."

Affection is important in its own right and it has nothing to do with sex. Affection says "I Love You" without "I Lust For You." Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, touches, gifts, back rubs, affectionate words, etc. all fall under the category of affection. Harley says that the "typical male" sees affection as foreplay to sexual encounters and is normally aroused by affectionate physical gestures. A man who growls, 'I'm not the affectionate type' while reaching for his wife's body to satisfy his desires for sex, is missing a chance to meet one of her deepest needs.

#2 CONVERSATION:

We usually put our best foot forward before the marriage and are trying to get acquainted with each other as well as letting the other person know how much we like them. In order to do both, we are usually engaged in a lot of conversation; Long talks at night; Long conversations on the telephone; Walks where we tell each other about ourselves.

After the wedding, we know about each other and the conversations we used to enjoy seem to be very limited or come to an end altogether. Harley says that men do not seem to need conversation, but women seem to enjoy conversation for its own sake. The most satisfying conversation is one that focuses on getting to know each other, showing an interest in each other, and discussing topics of interest to both. It is important that she feel a genuine interest and caring for her.

Harley says that the average woman needs 15 hours of quality conversation a week.

#3 HONESTY AND OPENNESS:

"A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs…To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future."

#4 FINANCIAL SUPPORT:

"Humorous anecdotes abound on women who marry men for their money, but my counseling experience has taught me not to treat this tendency as a joke. In truth, a woman does marry at man for his money -- at least she wants him to earn enough money to support her as well as (or better than) her father did when she was growing up."

#5 COMMITMENT TO FAMILY:

"A woman has a powerful instinct to create a strong family unit. They want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to be a good father. This means having "good family time" and playing an active role in raising the children."

Let this image sink into your mind for a moment as you go through list.  A woman starved for communication might be ready to gnaw her own arm off to get some!  

A wise man will keep these in mind as he endeavors to love and serve his wife.  A wise woman will be attentive to whether she is deficient in any of these areas and let it be known in her attempts to respect and serve her husband.

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