Melissa Rich for the changes!)
Bitterness is a "conscious decision". It doesn't happen "to" a person. A person "chooses" it. It takes root when emotional pain is not dealt with effectively. Holding on to past hurts and offenses will result in bitterness. This will eventually lead to the death of a thing if it even has the chance to attempt growth.
I am posting this article based on things REAL women have said. Attitudes and positions "decided" by them. Bitterness may be there but a wise person (can be a man or woman) knows enough to deal with it and keep quiet until he/she has cleared their heart and mind of that which causes them to return in time to an experience that no longer exists in the present, except in their own memory.
If we want healthy relationships, we need to be painfully honest with ourselves and deal with these old wounds.
1. "He took advantage of me!" There comes a time in EVERY person’s life where they need to take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for their OWN choices. At some point you became a willing participant in your relationship drama. Like I always say, "when in doubt, just stay upright and fully-clothed." It is a "victim" mentality that continues to blame others and never accepts personal responsibility. Add to this, it is harmful to YOU because you will never be able to recognize or be part in a mature and healthy relationship. By talking like this you identify yourself as someone who is unable to learn from their own wrong choices. It cant be "their fault" ALL the time. As a female friend reminded me, "if you're were wearing your nice panties, you didn't ‘fall’ at all! You knew where the road you were on was headed!"
2. "He was a waste of my time!" Are you evaluating your own self yet? Are you sure that you did not waste his time or his money? Everybody is getting SOMETHING out of every relationship they maintain. Evaluate your own motives and the reason why you may have stayed with someone whom you suddenly decided was a waste of your time. Maybe you're getting the satisfaction of believing someone cares about you? Maybe you're getting low-cost meals and movies? Maybe you're just happy to be seen with SOMEBODY at the church social? Either way, you got something if you were hanging around! In reality, if you are taking "personal responsibility" you wasted your own time because you continued to hang with him AFTER you realized it wasn't working for you. It would be more beneficial to you to maybe look at it with a different perspective. Consider it a learning experience; about yourself, men and how you might consider more carefully next time. Again, how you look at it determines whether or not you are "growing" towards a more healthy choice or likely to perpetuate the same frustrating cycle. A cycle that "you" are choosing.
3. "I love him but I don't respect him!" If a man has to choose your love or respect, he would rather have your respect. Believe that! Take it from a "man"! I'm not saying your "love" is worthless, but it’s worth less than respect and admiration. This is a problem for a lot of my sisters. They say men shouldn't need respect. "Why doesn't he just respect himself?" "What does it matter what I think?" "Is his ego really that fragile?" Admiration is a NEED for a man and most will gravitate towards whoever is giving it. Women are always shocked at how a man chooses the "other" woman who isn't as beautiful as his wife. It's because it wasn't about looks. She was doing something else for him/his ego!
4. "I don't believe in dating." Not to sound too frustrated but, do you honestly believe that I am supposed to walk up to you and immediately declare my intentions on courting you towards marriage? I don't even know if you know how to eat with your mouth closed? Seriously? Dating is the process by which "we" find out if "we" are "right" for one another. It is a REAL and EXTREMELY VALUABLE step in the path towards committing your LIFE to each other. My commitment to a woman in marriage is for EVER! I am being integral to make sure I make the RIGHT decision before it’s too late.
This is for YOUR good as well. A God-fearing man of integrity will choose very wisely before he makes a life-long covenant. He intends to KEEP his word. How can I determine if you are someone I want to commit my entire life to when I don't even know you? Men are tactile, we are practical. We hear God’s voice but we are still very practical in how we go about the process. You can try to force us to be something else, but you will continue to be alone and wondering why. Ladies, trying to help you here.
5. "I won't settle." A lot of people say this and they do not appear to have as high a standard for themselves as they do for the one they have set their hopes on. You don't have to worry about settling because he will not likely choose someone who does not see his value; that would be "settling" in "his" mind. It is possible that he "likes" you but he doesn't dare tell you that you are lacking in some areas as well. He is being kind but also realistic. You might not be the prize you think you are. Sure, you're great. But your breath is bad in the mornings (and some afternoons), you've got a nasty attitude sometimes and maybe you weight more than you should and though he is very interested in you, he is scurried to express that point. Have you set your mind on this "ideal" so that you cant even see the person? Are you even looking at "him" as an "individual" or are you trying to "match" him to some "ideal" in your mind. Until you look at the situation with real and present perspective, you are in danger of missing what could be perfect for you.
These attitudes are not going to help you land a good man. They are going to deter them. When a "good" man comes along, he will run soon as he recognizes that you are viewing him through your old pain. He doesn't want your old life or the mess that you chose to bring with you thus far. He wants something fresh between the two of you. He wants a relationship with "YOU" not you and all the other men you have been hurt by.
don't be so quick to react, face yourself and get real.
Consider what I am saying for your own well-being. If you remain bitter, chances are, you will get someone who is also carrying baggage and it will NOT work for you either. Unfortunately, if you are not being honest with yourself, you will continue to attract a man based on your unconscious fears and will find that he is just like the others. That is because you will not attract something different until YOU change something about yourself and how you view relationships and men. A bitter woman will likely not attract a healthy and stable man because he is looking for a healthy and stable woman.