What is a "Dealbreaker" anyway?

I like to ask my readers questions, but today I need to make a statement to correct a common misconception. That's a fancy word for WRONG THINKING! I read all day everyday about "dealbreakers" and other such stupid ridiculousness. I call it ridiculousness because I've seen stuff listed such as nap-taking, height and aversion to eating soul-food listed as freaking dealbreakers. Really?

I mean for real, for real?


All this talk has you majoring in stuff that is easily fixable, bearable, temporary or invisible in the dark. Trust me on that. If I see another guy kick a wonderful woman to the curb because of something crazy and insignificant, there might be a fight right there on the street. Me and my saved self might have to throw down. I know 40 year old men with round bellies and half-George Jefferson-bald heads claiming they can't be with anyone other than a never-married, no kids, no serious ex-boyfriends, Masters Degree having, tongue-talking, freaky, Size 6 woman who walks around cooking and bowing to him all day saying "Yessa, Massa!"

I hear woman saying they can only have a man who...looks like The Rock (but hetero), preaches like TD Jakes (without the purple suits), cooks like Emeril (but isn't fat) and balls like Trump (but not a butthole.) Let me let you in on a secret: you can probably get a couple of these in one package, but you'll be hard-pressed to get all-in-one.

The #1 thing you should be looking for in a mate is someone with a SHARED VALUES SYSTEM. It starts there. It ends there. This addresses your faith, your belief in educational approaches, your politics, what you eat, where you will live, what you'll do for fun. EVERYTHING!

Should you partner with someone who doesn't share your VALUES SYSTEM? Absolutely not. Not ever. No way. That is the very epitome of compromise - and not the good kind either. The "good" kind of compromise is deciding to go to KFC when you two have argued too long about Church's vs. Popeye's. The "bad" kind of compromise is when you set aside your key beliefs in order to try to accommodate another person.

In other words, you should be ready and WILLING to compromise EVERYTHING except your VALUES SYSTEM.

Let me make another example: Does your values system REQUIRE you to wear red lipstick? No? I didn't think so. Now think about this...does your spouse prefer you to wear blue lipstick from time to time? Wear blue lipstick sometimes. Move on. Smile about it. On the other hand, does your values system REQUIRE you to never wear makeup? Look for a guy who hates makeup.

So sit and decide what your core values are. Write them down. These are core. The other things are not core. Flexibility outside the core values is necessary. I highly encourage everyone to write out their core values. I've done it myself. Then you'll truly know what a dealbreaker is and isn't.

You're welcome.


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